As the Middle East explodes into flames, another Palestinian “Day of Rage” was met with a level of competence that could only come from the State Department. Welcome to the John Kerry Clouseau Chronicles. Now on to the news.
John Kerry unites Israelis & Palestinians…against John Kerry
Middle East update: John Kerry has secured Paris. He, Suha Arafat, Strauss-Kahn and other plutocrats are now safe at the Champs Élysées to sip tea from silver chalices adorned with elegant white flags.
John Kerry is proof that you cannot spell plutocrat without Pluto, the planet John Kerry lives on. His supporters pointed out that Pluto is technically no longer a planet. His detractors pointed out that technically nobody likes his supporters for this precise smugness.
Ceasefire update: John Kerry refuses pleas to cease firing off his uninformed mouth. Israelis & Palestinians both brace for more bloviating State Department nonsense with no end in sight. Hamas & Israeli leaders search for high tech American weaponry including ear muffs to tune him out. Both sides willing to do anything to shut him up so they can resume fighting in peace.
John Kerry was declared a Weapon of Mass Destruction for boring Israelis and Palestinians to death. The Israeli Defense Force demanded that he be dismantled immediately. The United Nations and France offered opinions but nobody cared because they were the United Nations and France.
John Kerry referred to Israel as an “Apartheid State.” He most likely confused Israel with Martha’s Vineyard.
Palestinians are out of control. They are now declaring Steve Israel’s New York congressional district illegally occupied territory of a Zionist colonizer. The United Nations is prepared to ask Jews to surrender parts of Arab East New York.
Palestinian Day of Rage sales were canceled since shoppers burned down their own stores. Hamas window shoppers are now angry at paying retail prices for wholesale rocket launchers.
Ben & Jerry’s released a new Palestinian flavored ice cream. It is made with fictional ingredients and explodes in your mouth. It is deadly delicious!
As conservative analyst Greg Gutfeld said, “John Kerry doesn’t inspire confidence. He inspires sleep apnea.”
The United Nations and State Department failed at reaching a Middle East peace agreement. In further news, water is still wet!
President Obama criticized Israel for not living up to expected standards. Obama is the last person on Earth who should lecture Israel…or anybody…on living up to expected standards. This is an example of the pot calling the kettle African-American. Obama defenders called that expression racist but could not exactly explain why.
Palestinians are 100% of the problem but only 90% of the deaths. Therefore even one murdered Jew is “disproportionate” Israeli suffering.
Another moment of unity: Israeli and Palestinian teenage boys both laugh whenever Shimon Peres mentions the “P*ss Process.”
Finally, in medical news, planning a day of rage is tough when one sleeps until 11:00am. Maybe if Palestinians got more sleep they would be less grouchy. To help them sleep better, all children will be given the same gift Obama gave Queen Elizabeth. Palestinians will soon receive free I-Pods containing Obama speeches. If this does not lead to peaceful sleep and eventual peace in the region, Obama will issue sanctions declaring that the I-Pods will also be fitted with John Kerry speeches.