I am all over the place emotionally tonight. I mean good things are happening in my heart and I feel steady at the wheel, yet these emotions and ideas about myself from childhood are dangerously on the surface.
I am still caught between being a hobo and saying goodbye to money and wanting prosperity, and if I am honest I am leaning more towards prosperity. I have many creative ideas as a writer, clothing designer, inventor and so forth.
I was over at Starbucks this afternoon and rooted around in the garbage for some coffee which I often do. A newish manager saw me and told me it was against their policy and asked me not to do it anymore. Normally I would have argued or left but I just sat with my feelings for a while. And I guess the look on her face was what created the feelings. It may have scared her some and changed her opinion of me.
It was strange because walking in I just felt my charming, caretaker role wearing thin. I realized just how afraid I am to let women see my true emotions and I am afraid of emotional involvement with them. Actually, as I am coming to understand myself better I may be afraid I will lose myself if I enter into a serious relationship.
A couple of days ago I was out for a walk and was saying some prayers for my immediate family and this grief welled up and I thought, “we failed as a family.” That failure happened when I was six or so, so you think I might have recognized it by now. And failure might be too strong, but we certainly did fail in the traditional sense.
I was certainly neglectful of myself when I was on the streets and still am in many ways, although I am taking better care of myself overall. When I got home this evening, I noticed some pretty good hair mats on my dog Tote’s feet, it is a wonder he is walking at all and I just felt sad. We all enjoy animals, but we all project a lot of our emotions and ideas about ourselves onto our animals. Totes felt the full force of my neglect.
When something like that happens I sit down and confess my sins, so to speak,, and then address and feel whatever emotions come up. So I sat there and I said, “I have been neglecting Totes,” that morphed into I let Totes down, which morphed into I let my dad down, then into, I let my family down. Then I was hit by some grief which I did not resist and finally let a few scraggly tears came rolling on down my cheeks.
We live in families and communities where we hide our hearts from each other. You like me, may have a bunch of unresolved ideas and emotions from your childhood. Allow yourself to feel, whatever it may be. I honestly feel lighter after my little cry session.
As a kid and I imagine most of us were this way, I saw myself as the hero type and maybe the golden child in this family. Go on to make us all proud son. Lol. The person I let down, of course, is myself. If you see yourself as a hero and you can’t even keep your family together, and haven’t really done anything heroic in the world. Well, I think you can see what I am driving at here.
However, I am sort of a hero to myself these days in that I know myself well, love myself deeply and love others with all my heart. “I am giving myself a break right now,” is a sort of mantra I used on the streets when I was getting uptight and being a no good self-hater. Not quite the hero you were hoping to be? Well beating yourself up just ain’t going to help. Here is another Hobo Metaphysics for you. It’s not who you are or what you are, but only that you are.