I love Jesus Christ so very much. At my lowest moment on the streets, I saw a blue light apparition of him sitting on a bench across from me out in front of Chili’s at three in the morning. He looked so calm and peaceful. I have come a long way since then in my search for that peace I saw in Christ.
That hashtag #Metoo started a wave yesterday, and I posted for a minute and then took it down, because I did not want to take away from women, and I am so glad these things we try to hide are coming into the light.
Every Fall I post about grief arising in me and each year mention that it less, but I am grieving tonight for myself and for all of us I imagine. If memory serves, Judo started in the Fall for me on the stage at a local high school. It was there that I was molested at age 8 or 9, by an instructor who I later found out was only 16 or 17 at the time. It was a very rough moment for me and I quit Judo the next day. Although I did go back once because of pressure from the other kids in the neighborhood attending.
Looking back a lot of shitty stuff went down and I will spare you most of the details. However, we used to have Judo tournament in Spokane and the Tri-Cities. Before the tournaments we would have a weigh in at the high school. I remember being very uncomfortable in my underwear in line and then either going into shock or launching out of my body when we had to take our underwear off to be weighed.
I will say the night I was molested I felt completely dominated and without a voice. Also just deeply ashamed of myself.
Men in our society and it patterns, especially maybe in working class communities like this one, are granted and grant themselves, little room to feel much of anything at all. Corey Feldman, God Bless him, had the courage to admit that he was surrounded by pedophiles, in Hollywood. But I am not sure he ever said what happened to him, or the emotions and scars these events created in him.
I am at a point in my life where I am semi-comfortable talking about this stuff, but I still have fears around it and shame attached to it. I have worked hard on forgiveness as Christ asks me to do for myself and the man that molested me and all involved. It has brought a deeper sense of peace. But I still struggle. I heard myself saying, I want justice, just this evening.
I do want other men to know, especially maybe those guys that grant themselves little room for emotion; if something like this happened to you, that you are loved and have nothing to be ashamed of. You have all my prayers and compassion as you move through your lives.
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