Just before I started living in my car in Florida which eventually lead to my street adventure; I had an un-nerving dream. I was a gymnast in the dream and at one point my right leg just collapsed. I looked down at the leg and my thigh was full of rotting flesh and maggots, you could see all the way to the bone. The thought that went with the dream was, “The original wound.” Many times since then I have felt like there was a hallow spot in that thigh as I went about my business.
I keep a dream journal and have for years. I have become used to drawing insight and wisdom from my sleeping state. I was looking for something to read and I decided to see if something would show up in a dream. To my surprise it was a fantasy novel about the King Arthur legend called The Mists of Avalon, a book I happened to already have on the shelf.
I read something in the book a couple of weeks back that started my heart beating a little faster and made me sit straight up in bed. The book told of a king who received a thigh wound and because of it his kingdom dried up or withered so to speak.
.Now I have always had trouble with abundance and it was hard for me to admit that I could not produce good things for myself and for others. I told myself I just was not interested in money or material things. So I kind of fought off believing that wounded king was me. But as I was coming up out of sleep the other night I had the thought, “The barren son,” and had to admit I had trouble with the cornucopia of life. You can’t heal a wound you will not admit is there.
I tie that original wound back to that molestation that happened in my ninth year, that some of you I am sure are tired of hearing about. I have always felt haunted by sex.
King Arthur, in the book, as part of his ritual to become king, married himself to the land and the Goddess she represented–then vowed to protect her as if the earth was his beloved wife.
Roaming around in my subconscious mind is a thought I hear a little more than I would like too; “a deep seated hatred of women,” is what it whispers. I guess that comes from being left with a mother whose needs overwhelmed me a little; in a house where I did not feel safe after my dad left.
So I have married myself to the land as Arthur did. I have increased my prayers to mother earth and to nature in general. I also invoke Mother Mary more when saying my Christian prayers. Hopefully the all forgiving mother can reduce my fear of women and restore the abundant king in me. Plus I remember to be grateful for everything I receive even if it is a short, short cigarette butt off the ground.
It seems to be paying off in small ways and I had a dream the other night about my injured thigh again. This time there was a pink umbrella over it and I have long associated the color pink with healing. We had more food than we needed out at the Sunday feed this week which tickled me to death. The one thing I always worry about is enough food for those folks.
I was sitting on a bench in front of Wal-Mart the other day and I watched a kid with a toy sword in his hand playing with it hesitantly, like he wasn’t sure he was up to the task. Well that was me still debating my manhood, kingship or knighthood if you will. But I am confident my abundant kingship will someday emerge in all its humble glory.
King Arthurs success came from installing men into roles that they themselves were unsure they could handle, then showing tremendous faith in their ability to get the job done. Once the men saw for themselves they were up for the task, they were forever loyal to Arthur for believing in them. Many of us, well me at least, often question if I have the ability to live life at all. But Christ has shown tremendous faith in me and for that he has my undying loyalty.