I was sitting in church today and I was honestly feeling a little blue. My own fault of course, if you have expectations about being loved, well you are bound to be disappointed. The Christian ideal is to love people anyway which is the right thing to do, but not always that easy.
The speaker handed out flowers to all of us. I was looking forward to gazing at the lovely blooms and breathing in some fine fragrance. The flowers I received were all buds however, with not one blossom. I hate to admit this; I tried to hide those flowers. There were some with blooms on them that were coming down the other isle I was excited about, but those ran out before they got to me.
It is hard to look honestly at yourself at times. I have had a frozen heart since childhood and I knew those buds were me, to stubborn to open and show the world the beauty hiding in my heart.
I felt abandoned as a kid after being molested, the incident got buried and I just quit feeling safe. Well at 51 I feel plenty safe now but was still too stubborn to truly, fully, love people. Withholding love is a brilliant family pattern, I inherited. It can leave you feeling so powerful to cut people who ain’t behaving how you like, out of your heart. But power ain’t nothing but a lonely feeling to have.
Out at the community feed later today a lady brought in a three-legged rescue dog with sores all over it’s body. Well there I was looking at myself again, just a wounded mutt wanting someone to be kind to me.
It felt really good to nurture that dog some. I know their are people out there who want to nurture me, but it is a very hard thing for me to allow. Mr. independent, rough and tough hobo who doesn’t need a damn thing from anybody.
I have been fighting off those tender, nurturing, heart feelings for a long time now. My life training says stay on guard at all times. I even frequently have the thought, “afraid to be tender.” But let’s face it folks, there are way too many three-legged dogs out there, with sores all over them, for us not to be tender with each other.