Global Terror Report Part I: The Domestic Mizzou Edition

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Violent protesters are out of control from the University of Missouri and other college campuses to Paris, France. This is the domestic terrorism report.

Social justice warriors are domestic terrorists.  Normal Americans want to have a peace and quiet rally.

Americans are tired of leftist protesters who scream and disrupt GOP debates. That includes John Kasich.


The first GOP presidential candidate willing to turn firehoses on college protesters will likely win the Republican primary. For the billionth time, there is no constitutional right to violent protest.

College protesters are trying to shout down anyone they disagree with and shut down operations. They should be helped along. Shut down colleges. They are not being used for anything productive. If students want to protest, they don’t need to spend 100k. Ferguson rioters did it for free.

To be fair, Normal America should not lose sleep over white liberal chancellors losing their jobs. Pansies get what they deserve. Leftists devouring each other is like watching Hamas murder Fatah. Sit back with Doritos and soda and enjoy the carnage.

Al Qaeda turned on Saudi Arabia. Leftist protesters are now turning on white liberals. Frankenstein’s monster is loose.

Conservatives will be fine. We have guns. We also have balls. We do not tolerate this garbage. Every liberal who gets swallowed up by political correctness gets what they deserve. Burn, Ivy Leagues, Burn. You did it to yourselves.

College students are the only people dumb enough to care about anything that anyone at Starbucks ever says or does. Paying $5 for a disgusting beverage like coffee is senseless. Coke Zero costs less than $1 and tastes better. This should conclude all Starbucks political cup reports.


It is time to turn the tables on the Mizzou football team. Declare them all are bigoted homophobes since they kicked Michael Sam off the team just because he graduated. Everyone should demand that he be replaced with a gay player. In fact, every football team should be shut down until the number of gay football players equals the percentage of gays in society. To make up for slavery, half of the gay players must also be black. To ease the pain of the kids picked last, only players who suck at football will be allowed on the team. They will all then get trophies made out of eco-friendly non-styrofoam and hemp.

No justice, no peace! Gay black football lives matter!

As for demanding that schools hire more conservative Republicans, that would be like asking white liberal chancellors to invite blacks into their neighborhood golf clubs or Thursday night poker games. In both cases, they don’t know any.

Abraham Lincoln would be so proud. After fighting a bloody Civil War to preserve the union and end slavery, leftist blacks on campuses are now fighting for segregation. The world has not gone mad. Leftists have.

Meanwhile, let the universities burn. We can build shopping malls in their place and hire the college professors to do real work for once in their lives. They can work at Foot Locker and help BLM and Occupy protesters try on $300 sneakers while demanding a raise to $15 an hour to afford the sneakers.

College students are like Palestinians. They violently protest without a cause. This is easier than being productive. Let them burn the areas they infect. It is the cheapest form of detox.

Leftist college students are destroying their own universities. Finally, for once, progressives are bringing about progress. Normal America may even stand in solidarity with these lunatics, although standing with them means quietly agreeing with them from the comfort of a home far away from their filth.

People who want to make life miserable for liberal arts professors cannot be all bad. The blowback could not happen to more deserving people.

Let the students express themselves! After all, it is not like they are hurting anything useful. Destroying these universities is like taking a wrecking ball to a condemned building in the Bronx. Who knew that college lunacy would bring about positive social change?

Now these basket cases need to be unleashed on Hollywood and Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco vineyards.

Presidential candidate Marco Rubio was too polite to say why we need more welders and fewer philosophers. Welders can drill college kids’ heads and put stuff in.

Put Mizzou on eBay. Sell the buildings, land and entire infrastructure. Charge the faculty and students with loitering. Take the proceeds and buy a can of soda.

ISIS is proof that finally there are people as useless and imbecilic as Mizzou student activists. ISIS might be more tolerant though.

With Jon Stewart gone, the new champion for overprivileged college spoiled brats should be MSNBC‘s Chris Matthews. Matthews is not not sure that Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are real Hispanics. Not disputed is Matthews being a real bigoted imbecile.

Only white liberals would say something so wretchedly stupid. Chris Matthews wouldn’t know race if he impregnated Rachel Dolezal and created President Barack Hussein Rupaul.

Memo to white liberals: Shut up about race. Then shut up about everything else.

Unless you have ever paid taxes, you do not deserve to vote. No representation without taxation.

Free all African mountain lions from zoos and wild animal parks. Release them on college campuses. For those desperate to make this racial, African mountain lions have nothing to do with black people. African mountain lions are actual lions. Between gender studies feminists, ethnic studies professors and Students for Justice in Palestine, it would be easy to root for the lions. Let college football players go on strike. We could fill a stadium with fans rooting for the lions. To upset the vegans, all student and faculty protesters can be covered in meat sauce and steak seasoning before the lions are released. Or, rather than inconveniencing actual lions, We need human beings with the heart of lions to just restore law and order. Actually, use real lions. They won’t demand $15 per hour.

Many people including me live within walking distance of a university. Student protesters make me sad. They hurt my delicate feelings. They use mean words. A safe zone is needed from them. Therefore, we should send tanks on campuses and mow down as many protesters as possible. To avoid harming the environment, the tanks should run on electric power. The tanks should be painted in rainbow colors so Jesse Jackson’s Rainbow Coalition and GLBTQQ students are respected. While some may see this as a fascist approach, how is that different from the way student protesters and their faculty enablers are behaving? Students who insist on using their power to stifle dissent should see what happens when the tables are turned. We should let college frat boys drive the tanks right into the gender studies department and watch the bra burners scream. We can even make it a fundraiser called “Tanks for skanks.”

My approach is beyond reproach. Do it for the children. Use tanks to crush college protesters, or you hate children, puppies and kittens. Now to hide in my safe space and coddle myself like an oppressed liberal arts major making $10 more an hour than deserved.

If faculty loungers must resign for insulting students, when does President resign for insulting our collective intelligence?

ISIS is despondent. They want to set up a Caliphate where everyone submits or is crushed. Then they learned college campuses already exist.

It is a sad day for Islamists when white liberal college kids can rule with an iron fist in ways Islamists only dream about.

Given how much these kids hate America, ISIS is torn between trying to execute or recruit them.

Why should ISIS want to destroy America when they can save their money and let our own college kids do their dirty work for them?

While pondering this, ISIS jihadists sent Facebook friend requests to college frat boys in the hopes of obtaining good porn.

Activists planning a day of action is like Palestinians planning a day of rage. Every day people run errands and go to work. These people remember when a day of action meant actually doing things. College protesters are confused by this.

This was the Domestic Terror Report. At this very moment college student activists are engaged in many activities. Not one of these activities is positive.

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