Lemme tell you something folks: I’ve been around a while.
Been an activist and entertainer for over 25 years, writing speeches, satire and jokes for a veritable who’s who in the political and entertainment fields. I got to travel the world making bad television shows, entertaining people and troops, performing in clubs, colleges, on radio and and have been published in every medium.
I’m simply the luckiest kid in America. I know this sounds like bragging, but I’ve done it all and seen it all – it’s just a fact..
… But this just may be the all-time greatest story I’ve ever read:
Maria Auma, whose aunt is President Obama’s step-mother, is suing the London Metro Police for £400,000 – claiming that workers in her office deliberately FART near her desk… Just to humiliate her.
C’mon – you guys know me and you know I love life and all – but I have to make a living in order to live the crazy-ass lifestyle I pretend to lead on Facebook.
How can I earn money being interesting and funny when stories like this come across the pond, through the Interwebs (credit: Al Gore) and onto my computer screen? Read on, while I go broke.
Oh, and thanks in advance Obama extended family.
A British cousin of Barack Obama is actually suing Scotland Yard – claiming her colleagues made her workplace a stinky, miserable and hostile environment by deliberately passing gas, breaking wind, or cutting the cheese near her desk.
Hat tip: The Telegraph and The Guardian in the UK:
The Telegraph reports that Marie Auma, who is related to Barack Obama through her aunt, Kezia Obama, who is his Bracknell, Berkshire-based step-mother, is demanding £400,000 from the Met over claims that she was belittled and humiliated during a two-year campaign of gaseous harassment. WOW – two years of bobby swamp ass? I’d sue too!
Miss Auma’s aunt Kezia Obama – Photo: GEOFF PUGH
The Guardian, further explains that Auma, 57, who was at Obama’s inauguration in 2009, said the bull snorting conspiracy against her resulted in her early retirement due to mental health difficulties. Not to mention dozens of exrta trips to Costco to procure the pallets of Fabreze.
Marie, who hails from Palmers Green in north London, (honestly, who would know where the hell that is? Can’t they just say “London”? I grew up in Aurora, Il. – but when people ask; “where you from, boy?” – I say; “Chicago..” but anyway) Auma said officers and employees deliberately farted beside her desk at Southwark police station and I believe her. She kinda looks like someone you might fart next to… I don’t even know what that means.
I’d love to tell you I’m making this up. Hell, I’d love to sell this story as a work of unreal BS that no one would believe in a million years – yet laugh their asses off. But I guess it’s true because these British newspapers – you know – they never lie or embellish to make a few extra tuppence. Yeah, I saw Mary Poppins too. Shut up. Shillings, Pence, Quid, ten bob, half-guinea. Whatever, Fartful Dodger.. Hah! See what I did there?
Anywhoozer – Miss Auma said the flatulation started in 2007 when she was refused time off to travel to Kenya to visit the graves of her two brothers who had been killed in a car accident. …Yeah, right – car accident… Hah! And Benghazi’s your uncle!
Ever since then, people have been coming by her desk and butt yodeling like Jim Carrey at a film festival Q&A.
She told The Telegraph that when she complained about the refusal to take time off, she was branded a trouble maker and was ostracised in the workplace… This again, acccording to; “The Telegraph”? How’s that for a bunch of myopic idiots naming their company after something sure to be replaced by everything? What – “Stone and Chisel” was taken?
Her barrister (we say “f-in lawyer” in America) Lorraine Mensah told Judge Simon Freeland that Miss Auma had been the victim of “21st Century bullying”. Well, yeah, because before Y2K – who had ever heard of holding your little brother down and farting on his face? That’s a totally new thing, this letting an air biscuit fly near somebody, then walking away, whistling…
How many times have you been on an airplane and the captain mentions that in the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floating device? You mean I have to choose between drowning or hanging on for dear life for 38 hours to an orange butt pad that 7,500 people have farted in? I’ll take Davey Jones Locker for $200 Alex… Stupid Alex Trebek… Makes a big deal out of shaving his goofy moustache?
What is: “Who gives a rat’s ass, Alex?”
In all fairness, Marie said only a few of the individual cheek squeaks could be put in the category of harassment, but together they formed a “culture of bullying” against her… And there you go: How can I possibly ask someone to pay me to be witty, when Obama’s cousins are running around complaining about a “culture of butt trumpets”? What’s next – using the IRS to violate our civil liberties based on political affiliation?
The Telegraph further reported that Miss Auma described a “pack mentality” existing within the police station and this manifested itself in one officer and another civilian employee deliberately steam-pressing the old Calvins near her desk while she sat helpless, whiffing and thinking like the rest of us; “why on earth would anyone elect her dumb-ass cousin as President of the the most powerful country on earth?”
… but I digress.
Eventually Miss Auma was moved to another unit – Rotherhithe Police Station, 35 miles southwest of Chicago.. sorry, that’s actually where Aurora, Illinois is – but she said the tomfoolery with the panty burps followed her there and she was again singled out for “harassment” which normal people just call, ‘barking spiders’, ‘sphincter whistles’, ‘they call the wind Mariah Carey’, ‘trouser coughs’, or just plain; ‘silent, but deadlies’…
Yes, I know, if Marie was not a relative of the President, you wouldn’t be reading this – but, c’mon – sit and imagine the look on the First Lady’s face when the story first broke and some idiot had to come in and tell the Obama’s that the British people are burning mules near the Commander in Chief’s cousin – just for fun. Actually, the look on her face is pretty much like that all the time, isn’t it?
Obama family and Obama – just stop it. Stop the low-hanging behaviour – you’re going to put us all out of business. Anymore of these stories and I’m retiring, I swear…
… By the way, a representative for the Metropolitan Police says they deny all liability, but added; “HEY!- Pull my finger!”