The Clintons are in dire need of money, seeing as they are down to their last few hundred million dollars. Now their daughter is continuing the family slush fund.
Chelsea Clinton is writing a book. No, really, like she so totally is. She has so much to say because she has done so much with her life. She was born. She existed. She like, totally still does.
With that, here are some updates on the Chelsea Clinton book watch in addition to some rare non-Clinton news.
Foreign governments are expected to buy millions of copies. Chelsea just that talented.
Writing a book once meant you did something in life first. Chelsea Clinton’s book comes with a free selfie stick. Narcissistic sense of entitlement sold separately.
Chelsea Clinton book contains a bombshell: New York Senator Sir Edmund Hillary Clinton had the Chelsea Pier named after her daughter at the kid’s urging.
Chelsea Clinton insists that her book about corporate welfare, crony capitalism, income inequality is not an autobiography.
By writing a book without having done anything, Chelsea Clinton is definitely running in the 2024 Democrat Primary.
Chelsea Clinton is also going to ghostwrite President Obama’s third book, conflating her life with his. It will be called, “Nightmares of my mother: Audacity of entitlement of an overprivileged Dilletante.”
Chelsea Clinton is receiving a $20 million advance to play the Michael J. Fox character in the remake of “The Secrets of my Success.”
Chelsea Clinton was paid $600,000 by NBC. This made First Lady Michelle Obama angry. Former stoner slacker Barry Sotero and current President Barack Obama only gets $400,000 for his no-show job. Michelle Obama only received $300,000 for her phantom job in Chicago.
Correction: Mrs. Obama is not angry over Chelsea Clinton. Michelle always makes that face. Her anger is plastered on.
Hillary Clinton is a loving grandmother to Chelsea’s child. Hillary kisses her granddaughter with so much love and affection that you would think the child was Suha Arafat.
The only thing more boring than the Clintons and the Obamas is soccer.
FIFA so corrupt that its leader is unsure whether to become the Democrat 2016 nominee, the Clinton Foundation head, or the University of Miami Hurricanes football coach.
A confused President Obama is surrendering to ISIS but finally got tough with FIFA. He privately conceded to aides he had no idea what either group is.
President Obama is determined to degrade the terrorists. He authorized drone strikes on FIFA in Iraq and Syria. Islamist soccer fans blamed Israel and vowed revenge.
Confused, angry CPAs have taken to the streets, demanding that companies stop using corrupt FIFA and LIFO and switch to FIFO.
Even if the Clintons, Obamas and FIFA switched to FIFO, they would still be corrupt entities with financial shenanigans that are totally FUBAR.
This concludes the May 2015 Chelsea Clinton book report. Further updates will come once the Saudi Arabian government receives its first shipment of coffee table decorations.