LOS ANGELES, December 8, 2014 — As part of C-Span’s “Road to the White House 2016” series, we covered President Obama’s most recent press conference since MIT Professor Jonathan Gruber revealed inconvenient truths about the Affordable Care Act. President Obama has given several thousand speeches since the United States Supreme Court decision was handed down two years ago. Ratings for C-Span have never been higher, although part of that is from frustrated news viewers who know that local news is even more boring than we are. C-Span will not be covering Gruber’s testimony before a House subcommittee due to it’s expected graphic, violent content. So rather than watch Election 2016 coverage, here we present you President Obama explaining why a tax is not really a tax.
Good afternoon. Tomorrow I will be speaking about immigration. The next day I will be speaking about climate change. The day after I will speak about whatever topic comes to mind that I know you all agree with me on. We have to cherish these precious moments before my term ends. Today’s discussion will focus on healthcare.
As you all know, the non-partisan Supreme Court upheld my signature piece of legislation, the Affordable Care Act. It was the right thing to do, and Justice John Roberts knows this as well. I instructed SEIU representatives to help his family find their pets, who went missing in the days before that decision. I worked hard to make sure they were returned safe and sound in the same way I tracked down and killed Osama bin Laden.
Now as you all know, I headed the Harvard Law Review. Most people do not realize the significance of this, but this is not about me, even though I did head the Harvard Law Review. What this is about is the American people being told that the healthcare mandate constitutes a tax. Although it is a penalty and not a tax, reasonable minds disagree. However, there is nothing reasonable about the Republicans who insist on calling a tax a tax.
The good news is that the days of gridlock are over. I have crafted a compromise that should satisfy everybody who cares about this country and disappoint only those who don’t. From now on, the penalty assessed will no longer be referred to as a fee, penalty, or a tax. It is now and forever known as a “garbleschnizzle.” This stems from the latin word “garble,” involving undecipherable language, and “schnizzle,” which derives its roots from the German word “schnitzel.” As you know, politics is sausage making.
I did not consult with MIT professor Jonathan Gruber. If I had, I would have called it a Gruberschnizzle. As any reasonable person can see, a garbleschnizzle does not contain his name in the title. When he attacked the “stupidity of American voters,” I was so angry that I could barely contain my emotions. As everyone knows, I am an emotional person who frequently emotes, not a cold, analytical professor-type lacking human empathy. My auricles and ventricles have not been replaced with Intel pentium chips. I overflowed with emotion when discussing the cycle of violence between Israelis and Palestinians. Anyway, back to healthcare.
While I barely know Jonathan Gruber, I did consult with various celebrities from some of my most recent fundraisers. Rapper Snoop Dogg heard the idea and exclaimed, “Foshizzle garbleschnizzle,” and we decided to go ahead with it. Now this term is not to be confused with other words such as garbleschazzle and garbleschnuzzle. Those are separate terms we will be applying to other pieces of legislation as we see fit.
There are rumors circulating that we then ran the idea by Bill Cosby, who replied, “Schizemflop, flazzmajazz.”
Given that Mr. Cosby is facing serious allegations of wrongdoing, it is important for people to understand that I have never personally met him. This is in keeping with his insistence that he never met me when I faced my bevy of scandals from Benghazi to Fast and Furious to IRS abuses. Unless Mr. Cosby is exonerated, it is important that the media know that I have never had a meeting with him, Gruber or Mary Landrieu. I have barely heard of her. Somebody may have mentioned her name once in connection with something involving somebody needing a life preserver and not getting one. Apparently my predecessor George W. Bush left her to sink during Hurricane Katrina.
We tried to get Reverend Jesse Jackson to make a healthcare word that rhymed, but he was incomprehensible to us all.
Before making this garbleschnizzle executive decision, I instructed Vice President Joe Biden to reread his Dr. Seuss books to make sure that the term was not already being used. We also consulted with comedian Rich Hall and instructed him to come up with some new “Sniglets” in case we run out of multi-syllabic words.
This will help the healing begin, since House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Attorney General Eric Holder have discovered that in some communities, referring to this as a tax might be racially and culturally insensitive.
Lastly, I want to address those who criticized the selling of “BFD” t-shirts in celebration of the momentous court ruling agreeing with me. BFD stands for “Big Falliptigon Deal.” As you know, Falliptigons are the offspring of Deceptagons and Velociraptors, just less well known.
Now let me leave you with slogans meant to end the discussion, since this subject bothers me because it forces me to interact with the American people I deeply love and respect. The time for talk is over. In fact, the time for talk about anything is over. We had our debate. I won. We must move forward, onward, upward, and even to the Ninth Ward. While some people claimed that my policies were on the ballot in 2014, I was not. What matters is the real electorate voted for me in 2012.
Although other candidates will be running for president in 2016, the election will be a referendum on my policies. So while this is not about me, fairness requires that the record be set straight. The most qualified person to do this is me. Therefore, my address to the American people about things I know they care about from climate change to investing in education will continue taking place every day.
Thank you, and to those Republicans who stand in the way of making progress for the American people, I think I speak for Joe Biden and everybody else when I say go Falliptigon yourself. New t-shirts with “GFY” will be on sale later this week.
This concludes C-Span’s Road to the White House 2016 Coverage. Next up we will have coverage of President Obama reading to schoolchildren from a newly discovered, Common Core approved Dr. Seuss knockoff book entitled “President Obama and the Affordable Care Act.” Until next time, lavorkivus, presidentalanus.