Chuck Hagel fired for refusing to be deployed to Ferguson

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Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel was fired by President Obama. Secretary Hagel was discharged for refusing to being deployed to Ferguson, Missouri. 

Obama is expected to replace Hagel with an Iranian Mullah, Mahmoud Abbas, or anyone else who hates Israel.

Firing Hagel was an easy decision. Nobody likes him. Democrats saw him as a Republican and the GOP saw him as a turncoat. Firing him allows the president to look like he is doing something.

Forget Hagel. A real White House shakeup would be President Valerie Jarrett replacing White House spokesman Obama with a more qualified bystander.

Once Hagel finished speaking, he was seen backstage removing the presidential knife from his back. The president vowed a speedy undermining of his replacement.

Hagel was fired because Obama needed to fire someone consequential. That exempted John Kerry & Joe Biden.

Kerry and Biden are like the guy in “Office Space.” Nobody knows what they do. A computer glitch keeps them getting a paycheck.

Unlike the people of Ferguson, Hagel did not burn anything to the ground in protest. He took defeat gracefully while preparing his tell-all revenge book.

As for ‎Ferguson, Missouri is so dangerous that even ISIS does not want to fight there. Not every Islamist is on a suicide mission.

Waiting until after the Ferguson decision to start rioting was stupid. The best TVs were already stolen by then. Rioters learned next time to riot before the decision.

If the ‎Ferguson verdict had interrupted Monday Night Football there would have been many more rioters. The only violence fans cared about on this night was gridiron violence.

Racial violence was reported in Detroit. First a black man got knocked down by a white guy. Whites vowed revenge and knocked down a black guy. Violence ensued on both sides. After police answered the 911 call, it seemed that Michael Vick and Kyle Orton were just trying to help their teams win, and that the Jets and Bills have no personal animus off the field. Al Sharpton was told to get off the field, get lost, and go back to Missouri.

More deaths occurred on Monday night in Detroit than Ferguson if one counts the death of every New York ‎Jets player’s playoff hopes. No justice, peace or job security for Rex Ryan, who will soon be discharged in a manner cruel enough only for a failed Defense Secretary.

If people in Missouri really wanted something to riot about, they should protest the Kansas City Chiefs losing to the previously winless Oakland Raiders. The Rams season, like much of the St. Louis suburb Ferguson, is now up in flames.

Football fans noted that Joe Ferguson used to quarterback the Bills, who played on Monday night. This cannot be a coincidence, unless it can and is.

Confused Millennials demand justice for Craig ‎Ferguson, insisting he and not Stephen Colbert deserves to replace David ‎Letterman. No justice at CBS, no peace.

Anybody caught rioting in Missouri should get deported to Buffalo and forced to shovel snow. Anyone caught rioting tonight in Buffalo is just plain weird.

They should get inside. It’s cold out!

Some people prayed for a Missouri blizzard. I love a good blizzard. They sell them at Dairy Queen.

Anyone caught rioting in South Florida or Hawaii was told to just shut up. The weather is gorgeous. These people have nothing to complain about.

Los Angeles Millennials were too lazy to riot, pointing out that riots are so “1992” and that people rioted because there was nothing to do before the internet was invented.

San Francisco and Seattle protesters insisted that rioting on this day would interrupt the schedule for future pre-planned riots every other day in the coming days week, months and years.

President Obama offered praise for Hagel. His remarks were every bit as sincere as every other statement that has come out of his two mouth sides and faces.

“Chuck Hagel has been no ordinary Secretary of Defense.”

True, he was worse.

“Chuck has been an exemplary Defense Secretary.”

It depends what exemplary is.

“Chuck has been critical to all these missions.”

No, Chuck was critical of these missions which is why he was fired.

“As reluctant as we are to see you go…”

That is like saying the American people are reluctant to see Obama go. Reluctant is code for elated.

“On behalf of a grateful nation, thank you much.”

Obama blamed sequester budget cuts he enacted for the inability to even give Hagel a gold watch or rubber chicken dinner before the door hit him on the way out.

Obama also had a statement involving Ferguson. Since it occurred during Monday night football, America was spared hearing his remarks. Outside of Jets fans, nobody would rather be watching him.

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