That’s right – and here listed below are just a few of the things Joe “The Plumber” Wurzlebacher” would do when I’m elected President:
Since the Executive Branch no longer answers to Congress, pays scant attention to the Separation of Powers, writes or rewrites legislation willy-nilly, enforces laws selectively and pretty much rules at will now – my Presidency is going to be filled with plenty of kick-ass, common sense solutions!
Here we go:
First, you better damn well believe I would take care of our Veterans! Out with the waiting and in with the best care the private sector health industry can give them.
I would immediately instruct my Attorney General to bring criminal charges on the people running the Veterans Administration. Everyone involved in the waiting list scandal will be rotting in jail for a long damn time.
This would happen so quickly, I’d just barely have time to repeal ObamaCare and replace it with an affordable, competitive, market-based system that lets you buy your own insurance, with your choice of coverage, across State lines, keep your plan if you like it, choose and keep your doctor..
… You know, all the things President Obama lied to you about!
The War on Terror will be simplified: The leaders of the next country that harbors, finances or fosters terrorism against the United States or our allies will be rained down on by thousands of smart bombs until they send a letter back saying they get the picture. Any collateral damage upon the innocent will be on their hands, regardless of what the NY Times or Huffington Post reports. Make sense?
Seals would be dispatched to Qatar to kill without prejudice, the five terrorist leaders just traded out of GitMo for Bowe Bergdahl. The operation would never be disclosed to anyone and the US would deny any involvement in their sudden, violent and mysterious disappearance. The bodies ideally would never be found and the Seals never identified by idiots like Joe Biden and Barack Obama so they could never be targeted and murdered later. Yeah, I just said that.
Next: I’m going to force the Washington Redskins to change their name to something a lot less repulsive, like the “Maryland Redskins”. That’s where they play anyway.
As far as Iran and their urge to attain nuclear capabilities? I’ll have a handwritten scroll sent over to Mahmoud Ahmadinnnerjacket saying he should look out his window to the West tomorrow afternoon at around 1:00 PM Tehran time.
At that very moment, an Air Force bomber will drop a 30,000-pound Massive Ordnance Penetrator (MOP) conventional bomb in the desert about 1000 miles away from anywhere. The massive blast might kill half a dozen goats and the 20 guys having relations with them – but otherwise, completely harmless.
My guess is, the come-to-Jesus spectacle of American military might and the ginormous hole it makes will it be pretty eye-opening to Ringo Starr, the Ayatollas and any other Arab leaders and Al Qaeda wannabes thinking about screwing with us.
The next day, I’ll send over another scroll that simply says; “Drop the nuclear thing, or the next one’s on your head..”
By the way, am I the only one that chuckles when Iran says they’re developing nuclear capabilities for non-aggressive means like “energy” only? What? Yeah – it’s a shame they don’t have something cheap and plentiful over there they could use for energy consumption… idiots.
The EPA will be dismantled and the folks there will be put in college laboratories so they can be experimented with. Students using brain-imaging technology can study the effects of marijuana usage where it pertains to long-term brain abnormalities and the onerous and fascist regulations these poor souls foisted upon hard-working Americans will be quickly struck from our lives by your benevolent, yet humble President Wurzlebacher aka, Joe the Plumber.
The XL Pipeline will not only be approved, but a government-subsidized theme park would also be put on the fast-track, so Canadian and American children can soon slide down the pipeline into the Gulf of Mexico, while learning along the way about how fracking, drilling and the development other domestic forms of energy can make us energy independent, create jobs and give us a better shot at pursuing happiness – such as sliding into the Gulf of Mexico, for instance. Sounds like fun to me.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking: “Government subsidy President Joe? Hmm? Hmm?” Yeah, well work that one out on your own, I’m busy. Shut up.
Immigration reform is pretty easy: A simple piece of legislation that says if you knowingly hire an illegal alien the first time it’s a $500 fine. The second violation is a $50,000 fine. The third time it’s $150,000. No more work, no more illegal aliens. See ya!
As far as 92-year-old granny Sanchez who has been here for 55 years and never got her citizenship? Sounds like a nice, long, illegal free-ride on us to me. I’d give her a copy of Mexico’s immigration policy for their southern border. No one is allowed to comment until they are familiar with what Mexico will do if you try to sneak through their southern border illegally… but I’ll give you a hint: It ryhmes with “Schmoot you in the schmass”..
I would leave strategic military bases overseas, the rest I would bring home and establish new military bases on our borders. Mission: Keep out anyone that is not an American citizen. The hi-tech fence that money has been appropriated for already will be built and what’s left of the NSA after I shut it down will be used to spy on that fence, instead of our citizens.
Then for good measure, I’ll have a bunch of those plastic divider things they use at grocery store checkout lanes to separate your items laid down end-to-end on the Mexican border. Nothing gets through those things.
We’ll begin enforcing “workfare” again for social programs or at the very least, you must prove you’re training for a job and pass a drug test to get a welfare check. “Oh, President Plumber, you’re so mean!” No, I’m not – since when is insisting people get off drugs bad for them? Who does this help the most? You’re a dope, you know that?
Pay companies to hire or train people on disability and make it limited to a certain period of time and then you are on your own. It used to be you’d lose your leg in an accident and couldn’t work, but now people who want to work can work with modern technology and everyone knows it.
This is President Get Off Your Ass speaking. You want money? Earn it. It used to be people would work their way out of poverty.
Now the only ones left in the ghetto are the ones being paid to stay there. Wow – that’s good. Write that down.
Now: Find me someone – anyone – who is a legal resident and doesn’t have an ID: The Vice-President will personally fly over in Air Plumber One and issue them an official ID. Problem solved. Next time someone says minorities won’t be able to vote because of Voter ID laws, tell them you think minorities are just as smart as everyone else and that kind of racist thinking on their part is ugly.
Under my Administration, not only will Common Core be discarded completely, but the entire Department of Education will be defunded by one stroke of my red, white and blue pen, since the Republicans in the House majority apparently failed to read Article One of the Constitution.
Article One is where the Founding Father’s wrote the House has the authority and full power of the law to defund any part of the Federal government. Ditto for the Department of Energy, Homeland Security, the United Nations (condos, baby), the IRS, the EPA and NSA. All foreign aid will be started at zero, then tied to behavior.
If the voters of Nevada refuse to throw out Harry Reid, fine – nothing I can do – the people have a right.
But – I’m putting Ted Cruz’s dad in charge: If Harry wants to give a speech, he has to run it by Rafael Cruz, who can make edits or do a full re-write and Reid has to give it verbatim. Every time Reid makes a move – Rafael Cruz can tell him where to poop or whatever.
No more BS from this idiot, Reid. And stay away from Bundy’s cows, you sickly old fart.
Yes, there will be a FAIR tax and Congress will be required to live and work in their States or Districts ten months out of the year, minimum. We’ll be using Skype and electronic voting from here on out like normal, contemporary businesses. And when you see your Representative or Senator at the store, say hi for me – you’ll be seeing them more than I do.
I myself will still live in the White House and enjoy the perks of being King.. Oh, c’mon – I’m doing all this for you and I get nothing? … Okay, I’ll stay in Toledo – but how about a new truck? Deal!
How do we change the world? We change America. This is a start, anyway..