In a new bombshell report designed to strip away the last ounce of American social fabric, a joint panel of leftists issued a report that could cancel the holiest Christian Sunday on the calendar. According to the International Panel on Climate Change-American Civil Liberties Union report, the Easter Bunny causes climate change.
The report recommends that all Easter egg rolls be immediately canceled. The movement of eggs on the grass in a rolling fashion does damage to the grass, and the Easter Bunny himself exhales poisonous carbon dioxide.
The IPCC-ACLU groups stressed that for America to truly be a politically leftist utopian paradise, nobody will be allowed to engage in anything that any reasonable person could possibly consider fun. All happy children must grow up to be as dour and miserable as the leftists in charge.
The National Organization for Women cried sexism that children have to learn about Easter from a male rabbit rather than a female one. The female rabbits do all the hard work of preparing the eggs, yet the male bunnies get to frolic on the lawn with the kids and reap all the glory. The NOW feminists, who have never found joy in anything ever, fully support the Easter Bunny ban.
One leftist Asian group declared the term “egg roll” to be an anti-Asian slur, and encouraged Easter participants to be more culturally sensitive. When Americans asked if they should stop eating egg rolls so that Chinese restaurants go bankrupt, the leftist Asian group responded that kale was delicious.
The IPCC-ACLU report only applies to the Easter Bunny character, and not to Peter Rabbit when he is off the clock. As long as Peter is secular, he can not only roll eggs but throw them at nearby cars while yelling “Occupy.” The IPCC-ACLU report also recommended that leftists work with the Libertarians to replace the Easter Egg Roll with a Spring Solstice Marijuana Roll. The kids will be allowed to roll the joints themselves in keeping with Christian traditions as taught in Common Core textbooks.