The following memo was leaked by a California high school student who accidentally tapped into NSA communication files while hacking into bank records of her computer science teacher.
FROM: Vladimir Putin
SUBJECT: In Appreciation
During our long phone conversation, I am forgetting to thank you for reminding me to be stand-up guy and send humanitarian aid to country when peoples cry out for help. You remind me about how America helped Libya. But, instead of bombing Ukraine back into stone age, I decide to use different technique. And I am thanking you for setting up entire situation so Uncle Vladi could step up and help the peoples of the Ukraine.
My Parliament give “OK” to deliver humanitarian aid and protection against neo-Nazis and extremists. I am not remembering if your congress gave you OK for Libya bombing, or did Hillary Clinton make that decision? No matter, other than this action make you and America look pitiful in eyes of the world . . . what difference did it make?
Uncle Vladi also recall occupy Wall Street movement and decide to follow your example and take advantage of potential for photo ops. I am directing similar PR program in Ukraine. Freedom-loving citizens wave flags and signs and beg for Russian soldiers to protect them from enemies of freedom. This makes for excellent TV and social media propaganda.
Uncle Vladi got big worry about democracy outbreaks in other countries. I’m remembering how this cause you big time headache in Eqypt when military realize your Muslim Brotherhood pals are not so much about freedom as they are about chaos and oppression.
I might have same problem if Ukraine breaks for NATO and European-style democracy. Might spread throughout my country like Russian flu. So, I am making sure Ukrainian peoples not do breakaway. I remind them they have no real army and no real allies and could not push back against real Russian military who is really there to protect them.
I am not meaning to sound like bully, but Uncle Vladi will have to boot you on back side of your “mommy” pants if you continue to push for economic sanctions against Russia.
Maybe you need to reset your memory. Who has hand on oil spigot for Europe? Who has missiles pointed at break-away states on Russia’s fringe? And, who doesn’t have missiles because you cancel agreement to build a missile defense system in Poland? And who can reconstitute former Soviet Union borders if parliament decides is OK action to take?
One last thing Barack-ski. I’m not even little bit insulted by your teleprompter performances. In fact, is amusing when you show angry face and point finger to make position about Ukraine “perfectly clear.” Russians laugh their a**es off listening to political double speak from Mr. Kerry Wind Bag. Especially when he accuses Russia of telling lies and violating agreements.
(Funny thing though, you do same thing when you lie to citizens with promises about shovel-ready jobs, “like healthcare, keep healthcare,” and “like doctor, keep doctor.” You also are very fond of violating United States Constitution with your pen and phone. Is great puzzlement why citizens don’t storm White House and send you on permanent vacation? But, not to worry, if that happens, Russia’s heart is welcoming to you and family. Can put you up in nice mansion next door to your countryman, Mr. Snowden.)
Barack-ski, I insist you stick to our agreement to keep nose out of Russia’s business. Period. About the G8 Economic Summit in June? You announce to world you won’t attend? Is OK. No big deal. I’m plan to go on hunting trip in June anyway.
I tell you, play your cards right if you want Uncle Vladi to help you with little distraction, like smallish war or terrorist attack in the fall, just before your November elections. You need major diversion to take citizen’s minds off your failures so they don’t vote all jackass politicians out of office.
Gotta run. It’s time for my daily swim before scheduled parade, flag-waving demonstration, and long-range missile test.
Stay in touch. Uncle Vladi
P.S. Want a little more snark in your day? Additional fables are posted on Molli’s blog, grannyguerrillas.com. You’ll enjoy the story about Prince Hope-n-change and his ascension to the throne. Molli tweets @grannyguerrilla. She also helps writers, as a Book Doctor, to achieve their publishing goals at getpublishednow.biz
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