President Obama’s presidency is collapsing from accusations of corruption to incompetence, and White House spokesman Jay Carney is on the hot seat trying to defend him. The best and brightest minds of the left have been called in to try and stem the tide of bad news and turn things around. Although it will be an expensive new government program, the Obama administration finally believes it has the right approach to get America moving in the right direction.
President Obama is now prepared to “invest” in a “new euphemism” initiative. Millions of dollars will be spent on hiring marketing consultants to come up with new slogans to change the meaning of words.
Glitches in Obamacare will now be “prequels to success.”
Benghazi will be explained by pointing out that the Obama administration has a “99% diplomat survival rate.”
Americans giving up on finding jobs will be praised as “a nation finally taking time to relax and enjoy time off.”
Obama is also guaranteed a couple of decades from now to remaining “one of the top 50 American presidents of all time.”
If the consultants fail to come up with real words, the administration will bring back comedian Rich Hall from the 1980s to reintroduce “Sniglets.” Failing that, they will borrow Vice President Joe Biden’s Dr. Seuss books for ideas.
In case the new verbiage rollout encounters glitches, Obama administration officials will roll out the same recycled excuses and euphemisms for failure but refer to them as new.
“Forward” is the new “forward.”
“Fairness” will be used interchangeably with “fair share.”
“Let me be clear” will be given various spicy but already used adjectives such as “crystal,” “perfectly” and “totally.” Whether or not these words will be used in sentences conveying any meaning or truth is “not entirely” clear.
“Make no mistake about it” will be used to convey that President Obama screwed something up royally. So will “teachable moments.”
The word “investing” will still be a euphemism for spending into bankruptcy, and every destructive social program will be declared redeemable as long as it is “for the children.”
“Progressives” who then became “liberals” who then became “progressives” again will again avoid using their actual title of “failures.”
While the Obama Euphemism Initiative is already expected to be a complete failure, Obama supporters have declared it a success. It did not achieve anything, but it felt good to say.