While dropping off some papers at a local financial services firm, I accidentally went to the wrong suite and ended up in a proctologist’s office.
This was no ordinary rumpus doctor. He was a political proctologist, specializing in removing sensitive items from people in politically sensitive positions. The people in his office were there under cloaks of secrecy, but in the world of Obama spying there is no more privacy.
Thanks to a lack of security on the Obamacare website, it can now be confirmed who was in Dr. Seymour Buttman’s (thank you Bart Simpson) office on the date in question.
Barack Obama–He was rushed to the hospital without the media knowing so that a cancerous tumor could be removed from his colon. It turned out just to be Chris Matthews and the rest of MSNBC including former employee Keith Olbermann.
Al Gore–Despite several failed attempts, doctors are still trying to remove the self-righteous pole up his hide.
Joe Biden–He was there to have his foot removed from his mouth. When it was explained to him what a proctologist was, he left.
Prius Drivers--Many of them were in the office because they had their cars shoved up there hides by non-hybrid drivers who finally got sick of listening to them talk about their cars. They were given bandages to cover their rumpuses and their mouths to prevent future communications of smugness.
Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry–They were getting Botox treatments, resulting in an inability to sit for short periods of time or blink for long periods of time.
Bill Clinton–Another girl needed to have a cigar removed.
Hillary Clinton–She was there checking on Bill.
Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, and Chuck Schumer—They were there to lead a delegation of liberal Jews interested in learning how to remove their heads from their hides. They received a brochure from Dr. Benjamin Carson about wondrous advances in cranial-glutial extraction surgery.
Anthony Weiner—He met the office receptionist on Twitter and decided to finally work up the courage to act out his fantasies in person.
Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Oprah Winfrey—They were about to get rump reductions when a rapper named Sir Mix-A-Lot showed up, sang “Baby Got Back,” and begged them to reconsider. Hillary ignored him to continue observing Bill, who was leering at Michelle and Oprah while they were dancing.
Barney Frank—Any jokes about anybody who happens to be gay would lead to charges of homophobia. Congressman Frank was also looking for the nearby financial services office because he heard rumors that the regulations he passed had yet to destroy that firm. He vowed to rectify that problem immediately.
Kathleen Sebelius—She was there to warn the doctors to either start performing third trimester abortions or risk being shut down. When the doctors explained that they had no idea how to perform abortions or any other operations not connected to the backside, Sebelius ordered them to go back to college. The doctors are currently receiving free subsidies from American taxpayers. Applying to college was easy since the school’s website was built by private contractors who made it easy to navigate.
Dr. Buttman’s business has been booming since late 2008 when a bunch of donkeys won the White House, helped along by Millennial asses chanting “Yes, we can.”