Top 20 things President Jackass would do if he owned the Washington Redskins
This week’s been busy for His Royal Highness. It’s hard work accusing Republicans of his shutdown and his wrecked economy, ordering National Park Services (NPS) to go around closing parks they don’t even control, spitting on veterans, closing the ocean, and keeping his 2 personal chefs non-furloughed, golf outings, a photo shoot, and now chilling in (also non-furloughed) Camp David.
Between all that, at great self-sacrifice, nay, with super-human effort and wisdom, he is also taking on the task of telling the Washington Redskins that if he were their owner, he’d change their name.
He certainly has a high opinion of his own ability to run things, yes? He bragged once (at least) that he could do every job better than the assistants he hired (considering the quality of his administration, faint self-praise…). Having seen him play basketball, and seeing what he’s done for the economy, unemployment, world peace, racial relations, control of the border, and America’s respect in the world, I can only imagine what a fine owner he would make for the Washington Redskins.
Our intrepid spies here at JoeForAmerica have uncovered secret documents from inside the White House that reveal the top 20 things Barack would do if he became owner of the Washington Redskins:
- 20 – change the name to Washington Workers. We all know how he loves Unionistas, and his favorite substitute word for “people”.
- 19 – accept the Nobel Peace Prize for Awesome Owners 9 days into the job and before his first season. Because he’s just that awesome.
- 18 – vacation in Spain. On the players’ dime. Because this ownership thing is hard work.
- 17 – hire management and coaching staff based on:
- blind loyalty to him
- how much they’ve donated and/or bundled to him
- blind loyalty to him
- 16 – Trade RG3 for Michael Vick. RG3’s a Christian. That might offend people. Dog Killing Thug? Much better.
- 15 – blame the Dallas Cowboys for being divisive – and Racist™.
- 14 – accuse the refs of ‘acting stupidly’. Which is code for Racist.
- 13 – vacation in Hawaii. With the players’ money. Because he deserves it.
- 12 – make a 75-minute speech at the owners meeting telling them all how they should do their jobs. Then vote ‘present’ on every vote.
- 11 – declare that cheerleaders can only come from union families. And Democrat. Because…Fairness™.
- 10 – leave all those details and hard choices to his underlings while insisting publicly and privately that he’s in charge. And smarter than everyone else.
- 9 – claim credit for every success. Publish pictures of himself looking awesome in the War Room, posing majestically.
- 8 – vacation in the Vineyard. On the players’ tab. Because it’s for the People!
- 7 – blame every failure on
- his employees
- the Dallas Cowboys, who just obstruct everything
- ownership from 5 years ago, or
- 6 – Host high-dollar concerts in the owner’s booth using the players’ money, and only invite fellow rich fat-cats.
- 5 – Have terrorist Bill Ayers write him another autobiography. Title: I Have Yet to Attain My Full Measure of Awesomeness.
- 4 – ignore all rules and do things the way he wants to — ForTheChildren™, of course.
- 3 – vacation on the ski slopes. Using players’ money. Because I ski like a BOSS!
- 2 – Let Moo design the menu for the players. Assuming we can pry her away from shopping trips. Or eating grass along the roadside.
And… the number 1 thing His Royal Highness would do:
- 1 – Have his people always cook all the statistics so that a 3-13 season shows up as 3-5. You know, those other 8 games just “left the workforce” And hey, we’re just a little less than average! Which is the NewNormal™! Hope! Change! Yes We Can!
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