Despite various polls showing that 90% of American Indians take pride in sports names reflecting their heritage, the Washington Redskins name offends those who are perpetually offended. To win more Jewish fans the team should be renamed the Washington Foreskins.
A Rabbi can be the team doctor, assuming a Jewish doctor will not be a stereotype, and therefore offensive. Every baby born to a player on the team once the name change takes effect will be given a free circumcision.
With no more Redskins to battle, the Dallas Cowboys can become the Ranchers. To mollify activists, they will be the Dallas Vegan Ranchers. Their mascot will be a stick of Texas Tofu.
Since Panthers are violent animals, the Carolina team could change its name to the Pussy Cats. Politicians will be interviewed for jobs as the team’s mascot.
The Chicago Bears can become the Teddy Bears because bears kill people. They cannot be named the Teddy Ruxpins since Miley Cyrus have forever ruined that brand.
With football finally emasculated, here is the politically correct NFL Preview. The Thursday night game saw the Kansas City Chihuahuas (formerly Chiefs) defeat the Philadelphia Tweety Birds (formerly Eagles) 26-16 as Walrus Lite Andy Reid showed he can still coach in the sensitivity era.
Now for a sensitive Sunday of football. Join in the chat of all the games!
Sunday, September 22
Houston Mexicans (formerly land stealing Texans) (-1) at Baltimore Edgar Allen Poets (formerly Ravens)—Baltimore barely survived Cleveland at home, but they have Houston’s number and will again. Upset special, Ravens win outright
New York Vertically Enhanced (formerly Giants) at Carolina Pussy Cats (formerly Panthers) (Pick ’em)—Captain Grumpy Tom Coughlin reminded his team that they are not supposed to play badly until November. He fired a couple players who had already retired just to prove his point. Giants win
Detroit Cubs (formerly Lions) at Washington Foreskins (formerly Redskins) (-1)—Last year RGIII was a heroic savior and now fans want to bench him. Even politicians get a longer honeymoon. The dread-locked one will rebound. Redskins cover
Arizona Sunsets (formerly Cardinals) at New Orleans Moral Relativists (formerly Saints) (-9)—The Saints have a defense now. Be afraid, rest of the league. Be very afraid. Saints win but fail to cover
San Diego Priuses (formerly Chargers) at Tennessee Streetcars Named Desire (formerly Titans) (-3)—These teams are both vastly improved, and the winner of this game could be a first round playoff exit. Upset special, Chargers win outright
Tampa Bay Treasured Sailor Friends (formerly Buccaneers) at New England Occupy Wall Streeters (formerly Patriots) (-9)—Darrelle Revis is already unhappy in Tampa Bay. He misses losing to New England with his old team. Patriots cover
Green Bay Vegetable Gardeners (formerly Packers) (-1) at Cincinnati Tiggers (formerly Bengals)—Short of Cincinnati bringing Brett Favre out of retirement again, nothing they do will rattle Aaron Rodgers. Packers cover
St. Louis Woolly Furry Pals (formerly Rams) at Dallas Vegan Ranchers (formerly Cowboys) (-3.5)—The $1.2 billion Jerry Jones Metropolis will not be a total loss. Jones can recoup his investment by blowing it up for the insurance money if Dallas loses home games like this. Cowboys win but fail to cover
Cleveland Rainbow Coalition (formerly Browns) at Minnesota Seafaring Caretakers (formerly Vikings) (-5.5)—Brandon Weeden and Christian Ponder, repeat after me. Hand the ball to Trent Richardson’s replacement and Adrian Peterson. Throw the ball, get benched…after the interception is returned the other way. Vikings cover
Atlanta Magpies (formerly Falcons) at Miami Dolphins (the only NFL team so warm and lovable that a name change is not required) (-1)—Joe Philbin is challenging to replace Mike Smith on the cover of “Average Non-Descript Caucasian Men’s Monthly” Magazine. Smith will point out that when your offense is that flashy, you can be colorless. Upset special, Falcons win outright
Buffalo Cows (formerly Bills) at New York Airplanes (formerly Jets) (-1.5)—An anonymous friend insists that Buffalo is the only New York NFL team. He was informed that calling them the Jersey Jets risks being punched by FDNY and NYPD guys in better condition than the Jets offensive line. Jets cover
Indianapolis Horsies (formerly Colts) at San Francisco team attempting to forfeit because football is too brutal and insensitive until league forces them to play (formerly 49ers) (-11.5)—An angry Jim Harbaugh squad at home after a humiliating loss means Andrew Luck may end up with the middle name “bad” this week. 49ers win but fail to cover
Jacksonville Hello Kitties (formerly Jaguars) at Seattle Swan Flamingos (formerly Seahawks) (-19.5)—Point spreads like this have not been seen since Tom Osborne coached the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Richard Sherman will pretend that he is playing the 49ers again to avoid falling asleep on the field due to boredom. Seahawks win but fail to cover
Chicago Teddy Ruxpins (formerly Bears) (-1.5) at Pittsburgh Pencil Pusher Bureaucrats (formerly Steelers)—The NFL is going to declare this Week 13 instead of Week 3 so that NBC can flex this game off of their schedule. Mike Tomlin takes personal responsibility for his team’s players, but that will not placate despondent network executives. Bears cover
Monday, September 23, 8:30pm
Oakland (the actual original idea for the team name) Senors (formerly Raiders) at Denver My Little Pony Pegasuses (formerly Broncos) (-15.5)—This matchup was a thriller back when breakdancing was popular and a young Al Davis roamed the earth. Davis died on Yom Kippur, and this year his team honors his death by dying the Monday after the holiday. Broncos win but fail to cover