In a surprise bold move designed to save his sinking presidency, President Barack Obama invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to join his cabinet. Putin is expected to become the next Defense Secretary pending Senate confirmation.
Obama explained that Putin is the only global leader who seems to understand geopolitical strategy, and would make an outstanding addition to the cabinet.
Obama praised Putin as a man willing to do whatever it takes to defend the interests of those he believes in. He has done a spectacular job of advancing Russia’s interests, and the only way to advance American interests was to bring him on board.
Putin made it clear that the Russian Constitution, which he can change whenever he desires, will allow him to remain President of Mother Russia while being in charge of the American military.
Putin will be given authority to run Defense as he sees fit without interference from various “losers,” thought to be the entire State Department including John Kerry.
Ironically, it was Kerry himself who inadvertently led to Putin being hired. When asked at a press briefing if dealing with Russia required delicate diplomacy, Kerry responded that negotiations require a “strong hand.” Putin immediately took that as an endorsement of his own nomination, which Obama graciously accepted.
Putin could possibly be grooming himself to be a 2016 Democratic presidential contender and successor to Obama. When told that the United States Constitution would bar his candidacy, Putin noted that he was able to handle such issues in Russia with little resistance, and expected even less in the United States. When asked about a challenge from Hillary Clinton, Putin replied “What difference does it make?” While left of center, Putin would be expected to chart a more moderate course than Obama, including an increased defense budget.
Obama also pointed out that due to American security leaks from Edward Snowden and Bradley Manning, Putin had all the information he needed to understand the American military from top to bottom. This will allow him to hit the ground running on his first day on the job.
At a joint press conference, Obama reminded people that he was still ultimately in charge. Putin stayed stoic and remarked that Medvedev said the same thing a few years ago.
While some immediate changes are expected, Putin said that he looked forward to continuing the traditions that unite both countries he would be controlling. At the top of this list was a planned military strike on France. Congressional Republicans immediately accepted that proposal.
Rumors that Putin would replace Kerry at State with Syria’s Bashar Assad could not be confirmed, although most analysts stated that anybody tougher than Kerry would be an improvement.
Article written by Eric Golub of the Tygrrrr Express