DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, PREGNANT OR IN JAIL
Written by Rodney Lee Conover this morning – 2013
You know it would be easy to sit around and make fun of Bradley Manning so I’m gonna.
At long last our national nightmare is over and the traitor Bradley Manning has been sentenced to 35 years in Leavenworth. Private Manning has also announced he wants to be a woman and be called “Chelsea.” Although once he gets to a prison cell in Leavenworth, I’m not sure he’ll have as much a choice in the matter as he thinks. The bad news is the military will probably not be paying for his hormone therapy and gender reassignment surgery, but the good news is that there are probably a couple prisoners there more than willing to treat him like a lady.
Bradley Manning’s lawyer claims that the private was confused about his gender and that contributed to him committing high crimes. Apparently he was confused as to which side he was on as well. I don’t know about this whole ‘gender reassignment’ thing – if you stick a branch in your eye, does that make you a tree? If Bradley Manning ever gets out of Leavenworth I wonder if he’ll write a book or movie?
I can hear it now: “The name is Bond – JANE Bond.”… Okay, enough. What – the guy’s a traitor to his country – I’m not supposed to make jokes about him?
But when it comes to confused people it’s up for grabs now: In California, Governor Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown signed a law that says kids can go into the bathroom or locker room they identify with most. So far I understand most of the guys on the high school football teams have identified the girl’s locker room as their favorite, so I guess the girls will just have to hold it until they get home. So what’s the deal now, do we just let children decide what sex they are and then mutilate their bodies accordingly? When I was real young my brother thought he was an astronaut, but my dad didn’t give him a glass of Tang and toss him off the top of the garage.
By the way, I’ve decided I’m a Tyrannosaurus trapped inside the body of a Wooly Mammoth that, in turn, is trapped inside the body of a man. Does ObamaCare cover mohair and giant teeth? When I figure out what I need to cut off, can I get Medicaid for that?
AND FINALLY: Our fifteen minutes of fame friend Sydney Leathers, the latest sexting pal of Anthony Weiner has finished making a porno with Vivid Entertainment. The adult film is called; “Weiner and Me,” and it stars Ms. Leathers (could that name be any better?) and a male porno dude dressed as a politician who looks a lot like Weiner, only longer. What kind of country do we live in when I can’t make jokes that are funnier than the actual story? These degenerates are going to put me out of business. I can’t wait for Hillary to get back in the White House and I can make a decent buck again. I’ll be spending it on IRS audits, but still – the 90’s were good to me..
– 30 –
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Rodney Lee Conover is a writer / performer, living in Southern California’s Mohave Desert with his whippet “Jack”