DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, PREGNANT OR IN JAIL
Written by Rodney Lee Conover – July 8th, 2013
The White House is refusing to call the Egyptian military’s takeover by force of President Mohammed Morsi’s government a “coup.” The main reason is because under U.S. law, if a duly elected government is overthrown, we can’t send them foreign aid and Egypt is due $1.5 billion we provide to them annually. Several in Congress have called for at least a review to cut off the money as the law states, but Barack Obama loves to give other people’s money away so much, he’s decided the bloody overthrow wasn’t a coup at all – but merely workplace violence…
As regime change was unfolding in Egypt, Secretary of State John Kerry was spending some “me” time on his boat in Nantucket Sound, the State Department has confessed after repeated denials. But they insist it was not parked near Massachusetts or anywhere else where any sales tax may apply. The White House also released a photo of the President and his security team where although Kerry was not present, they swear he did participate via a secure phone line. To prove it, the NSA retrieved all his recorded phone calls in their entirety from that big storage deal in Utah. Out of caution, some dude who made a cat video on YouTube was arrested. Okay, onto the next crisis.
A Bangkok restaurant named “Hitler” has ripped off Kentucky Fried Chicken’s logo, and photo shopping an image of the Nazi leader where the Colonel usually is. The Huffington Post reports that KFC might seek legal action, saying they find it; “extremely distasteful since it is an infringement of our brand trademark and has nothing to do with us.” No word if the “Hitler” restaurant is offering original recipe or extra crispy post-war chicken on its menu. Now that was distasteful.
An Italian mafia boss, said to be the largest cocaine broker in the known universe was deported to Italy on Saturday after being arrested in a Colombian shopping mall. I know a few mall store owners who are still crying that he didn’t get a chance to drop in and drop a couple million on over-priced crap you can get on Amazon Prime for 1/3 the money. Roberto Pannunzi was arrested with a fake Venezuelan I.D. by Colombian police and U.S. DEA agents. Pannunzi imported over two tons of coke into Europe every month. International Drug Enforcement agencies say it is a big win for them, but will cause a slowdown in the European workforce. Party planners across southern Italy said it was a real buzz kill.
An official investigation by Pakistan into how Osama Bin Laden was able to live there undetected for almost ten years reports that he was pulled over for speeding in the Swat Valley during 2002. According to testimony by the wife of one of bin Laden’s bodyguards, they would make occasional visits to the local bazaar. One time they got pulled over by a traffic cop, but the matter was “settled quickly” and they were on their way. She didn’t offer up any further details, but I’m guessing it may have gone a little something like this:
COP: “Afternoon, do you know why I pulled you over today”
OSAMA: “Because I masterminded the blowing up of the World Trade Centers?”
COP: “No, you were doing 72 in a 55…”
OSAMA: “Oh, I must have kinda zoned out. I thought it was 70 here?”
COP: “No, it changes to 55 back there when you pass the oasis”
OSAMA: “Bummer. Okay, well, here’s $15 million American dollars, can I go?”
COP: “As-salam alaykum” (laughs)
OSAMA: “I like the Lakers too!” (more laughter as the stretch Mercedes roars away…)
Rodney Lee Conover is a writer / performer, living in Southern California’s Mohave Desert