DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, PREGNANT OR IN JAIL
Written by Rodney Lee Conover – 2013
Randy Zipperer, 49, was arrested in Florida for stabbing his brother over some missing macaroni and cheese and spilled beer. Zipperer became upset because he couldn’t find his mac and cheese, and his 47-year-old brother tried to help, but knocked over Zipperer’s beer. So Zipperer got a knife from the kitchen and stabbed his brother in the stomach. I guess it wasn’t in there either.
While testifying before the House Judiciary Committee, despite being a month into the investigation, FBI Director Robert Mueller could not tell lawmakers the name of the lead investigator in the IRS case involving the targeting of conservative groups. Perhaps someone should just check with Verizon or Google?
Sesame Street has created an online kit for kids to help cope with issues associated with having parents who are locked up. The kit is aimed at children between the ages of 3 and 8 and offers videos including a musical number entitled “You’re Not Alone” as well as an animated video with the title “Visiting Dad In Prison.” His cellmate is played by the Nookie Monster.
The Assad regime in Syria has used chemical weapons on a “small scale” several times, causing 100 to 150 deaths, according to the Obama Administration. The President repeatedly has said the use of weapons of mass destruction by Assad would be crossing a “red line.” In addition to supplying small arms to the rebels – whoever they are – the administration is imposing a no-fly zone over Syria at the cost of $50 million per day. Because of sequester cuts; however, it will only cover the area to and from Washington D.C.; Cape Cod and Martha’s Vineyard.
Psychic Presley “Rhonda” Gridley has lost a $7 million lawsuit to a couple from Texas who claimed Rhonda defamed them by telling investigators there was a mass grave on their property. Joe Bankston and Gena Charlton were subject to media reports of children’s bones in the walls of their home and “stuff written all over the walls in blood.” The press then reported the outrageous claims as facts, but it was all false. Gridley has yet to show up to any proceedings, saying, “I have no knowledge and am not aware of any situation that would require me to appear, or give a deposition.” Wait – she didn’t see it coming? Unforeseen circumstances? Does she get to use that excuse?
News Corp boss Rupert Murdoch has filed for divorce from his Chinese-born third wife, Wendi Deng, because their marriage has “irretrievably broken down.” In 2011, Ms. Deng famously jumped up in Murdoch’s defense to slap a protester who threw a pie at him. The 44-year-old Ms. Deng is 38 years younger than the 82-year-old Australian-born media mogul, who is said by Forbes to be worth $9.4 billion. Make that 4.7..
Louis Helmburg III, a frat-boy at Marshall University has unsuccessfully sued the Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity for negligence after he fell off of the deck of the frat house while shooting bottle rockets out of his anus. He claims the fraternity did not provide a safe deck for fraternity parties for consuming alcohol “which leads to stupid and dangerous activities. I’m wondering how the court reporter got through this without laughing her ass off?
Rodney Lee Conover is a writer / performer, living in Southern California’s Mohave Desert