DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, PREGNANT OR IN JAIL
Written by Rodney Lee Conover – 2013
New York City police officers this week gathered for their daily roll call and were given a new and unexpected command: For “simply exposing their breasts in public,” women are guilty of no crime and officers should look the other way. Good luck with that last part. And good luck getting that stop and frisk thing overturned now.
68-year-old Rod Stewart says that years of steroid abuse to reduce the swelling of his vocal chords also had the effect of shrinking his manhood. Stewart is currently married to model Penny Lancaster, 42, and has eight children, ranging in ages from two to 50, from four different women. So I take it they were just very persistent in hunting it down? Some guys do have all the luck.
O. J. Simpson was back testifying in court Wednesday after spending the past four years in prison, trying to overturn his Vegas kidnapping and armed robbery conviction. He was noticeably heavier than the OJ we’re used to seeing and even admitted that he no longer uses a knife, but a very large spoon. His lawyer even told the judge that if OJ’s pants don’t fit, you must acquit – which also qualifies for the worst joke I’ve ever written. Thanks, fat OJ.
Former world heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson will soon be doing the voice for a cartoon detective for the “Mike Tyson Mysteries” on Adult Swim. The detective will have a wisecracking, foulmouthed pigeon for a sidekick, and brandishes a magical face tattoo. I just hope they don’t jump the shark with an episode where the detective rapes a beauty contestant, gets hooked on coke and blows through a couple hundred million dollars.
Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren has introduced her first piece of legislation, which proposes the government give student loans the same rate of interest that banks get from the Federal Reserve, or the equivalent in beads and blankets. Warren is a leading critic of Wall Street and insists the bank bailouts were nothing but smoke signals and mirrors. A highlight from the freshman senator’s floor speech Wednesday was when she graphically explained how it’s been “many moons since white man government rain down taxpayer wampum on banker with fork-tongued…”
Barbara Walters told her fellow stars on “The View” that she is going to retire. The women went absolutely crazy, yelling, crying, screaming and acting like complete fools. Then Ms. Walters made her announcement.
The highest American diplomat on the scene in Libya spoke directly with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by phone, and told her that it was a terrorist attack. The president of Libya announced that it was a terrorist attack. The C.I.A. told the Obama administration that it was a terrorist attack.
“What difference, at this point, does it make?”…
… The difference is between an honest mistake and a calculated lie to deceive the American people in order to win an election. Do not let this lying hack become President.
Rodney Lee Conover is a writer / performer, living in Southern California’s Mohave Desert