DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, PREGNANT OR IN JAIL
Written by Rodney Lee Conover – May 7th, 2013
In a first for America’s drug industry, men who are tired of that smirk from the female pharmacist at the drugstore drive-up window can now buy the little blue diamond online. If you need help in the boudoir, you’ll no longer need any help acquiring Viagra, as drug maker Pfizer says they’ll begin selling the ED pill directly to patients on the web. Men will still have to have a prescription, so the smirks from the female receptionist and doctor’s assistant will continue unabated…
Domestic diva Martha Stewart has signed up on Match.com and since posting her profile last week has received more than 30,000 views and 1,000’s of emails from interested suitors. I understand she tried E-Harmony, but they couldn’t find anyone who fit the description of being a rich television star with intimate knowledge of home and prison cell decorating.
More information is coming out regarding the settlers at Virginia’s Jamestown Colony having to resort to cannibalism to survive the harsh winter of 1609. There is now a detailed report of dismembering and consuming a 14-year-old English girl, which is the first direct evidence of cannibalism at Jamestown. I guess the Indians were lucky they brought food with them to that first Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims?
Over 1,000 Deadheads signed an online petition in opposition to changing the name of the Jerry Garcia Amphitheater in San Francisco – named in honor of the Grateful Dead front man. Levitt Pavilions wants to renovate the venue, along with a proposed name-change to; “Levitt Pavilion San Francisco at Jerry Garcia Meadows.” Although the partnership with Levitt would finance 50 free shows a year, die-hard Dead fans say it would rob the place of its ‘independent spirit.’ The late Jerry Garcia’s ashes were recently auctioned off at a street value of $600 per ounce.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmydinnerjacket claimed to have evidence that the most recent elections in his country were rigged. He was arrested for threatening to expose sensitive government secrets, like for instance how the elections are rigged. After all, how’d he get in there? You going to tell me a guy with a face like that gets elected President fair and square? Maybe if goats and donkeys are allowed to vote like they do in Chicago, then maybe. Even Al Gore is demanding a recount. Meanwhile, Pat Buchanan is considering running in Iran’s next election as a Kurd. I don’t get it either. Kurd just sounds funny. Besides, I can see Pat doing that and coming in fifth because of poorly designed ‘locust ballots.’
The founder of the 99 Cents Only Stores, Dave Gold, died a wealthy man last week, worth over a billion dollars. He started the first of more than 300 shops that eventually extended from California to Texas in the early 80’s and now many different ripoffs of his original number in the thousands. He was 80 years old and is survived by 50 pallets of overstock tissue paper.
As our diplomatic compound in Libya came under attack the night of Sept. 11, 2012, the deputy head of the embassy in Tripoli 600 miles away sought in vain to get the Pentagon to scramble fighter jets over Benghazi in a show of force that he said might have averted the second attack on a nearby CIA complex and gotten medical help to the wounded. Meanwhile back here, a suspect who is charged with lying to investigators of the Boston Marathon bombing has been released on bail, but the guy who made that video which supposedly caused the Benghazi attacks, but in reality had nothing to do with it is still in prison?
President Obama needs to stand down…
Rodney Lee Conover is a writer / performer, living in Southern California’s Mohave Desert