Who’s Afraid of Big Bad ‘Merica?

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On April 15, 2013 newly minted Secretary of State, John Kerry, told CNN that fewer foreign students are coming to America because our gun laws are too relaxed and the students fear for their lives. Using Japanese students as an example, Kerry said, “They’re actually scared. They think they’re not safe in the United States and so they don’t come.”

Kerry inconspicuously attempted to make the case for stricter gun control laws by contrasting Japanese gun laws with our own. He told the reporter that Japan was safer than America because “people are not running around with guns” on account of strict laws that prohibit the “private ownership of nearly all firearms, including handguns.”

Well, if Japan is doing it… Oh wait, America has that Bill of Rights thing that Japan does not have. Shoot. Kerry may have a point though, America is a pretty terrifying place what with our charitable giving, extensive volunteer networks, and the value we put on human life and all.

Who else in the world is quaking in their boots because American citizens are armed?

The irate protesters who demanded the execution of a school teacher for allowing one of her students to name a teddy bear Muhammad, and their randy counterparts that called for massacres and beheadings over a cartoon image of their Prophet.



Children who play Call of Duty with real guns instead of X-Box controllers.



All of the loving mothers who drape their children in explosives and send them off to die rather than off to school to learn.



The brave Freedom Fighters who stormed a school bus and shot a 15 year old girl at point blank range because she had the audacity to suggest girls should receive the same educational privilege as boys.

Malala Yousufzai Treatment


The fresh from mourning, power tripping dictator who threatened the US with nuclear destruction.



All the protesters who redress their government in a refined, peaceful manner. These people are not afraid of tyrannical dictators with torture chambers, but they’re terrified of American citizens and our guns.



The country that enables our money addiction while quietly strengthening their military.



Nigerians who hate America, but love how we fund their AIDS and Malaria treatments.



The Mexican drug cartels that decapitate people then suspend them from overpasses for trying to rid Mexico of cartel inflicted violence.

Drug Cartels


The peaceful religious leaders who regale their followers with spiritual renditions of, “Death to America” and the benevolent worshipers who chant along.



Yes America, the world is terrified of you. If only the government would step in and take our guns so the rest of the world would feel more safe.


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