Horst Wenzel, known also known as “Mr. Flirt,” gives classes to refugees who seek to blend into German society. His main focus? Teach them how to sweet talk women. Let’s hope their sad pick-up lines fail to impress the blue-eyed beauties, because we know they only have one goal: To make the blonde hair, blue-eyed, fair skinned, race extinct.
This is what AP Germany teaches:
SUBJECT: Pickup lines
“Mr. Flirt” gave a few examples to his class of Iraqi refugees. “I really love the scent of your perfume,” he suggested. “You have a beautiful voice.” Then he invited his students to take a stab.
Essam Kadib al Ban, raised his hand and words vomited from his mouth in one EPIC fail: “God created you only for me,” he said, then tried another: “I love you. Can I sleep over at your place?”
Wenzel winced, but caught himself quickly, and regained his composure.
He explained the obvious: “Don’t tell them you love them at least for the first three months of your relationship, or they’ll run away,” “German women don’t like clinginess.” (Or any woman might I add for that matter!)
“Finding a relationship is the best way to integrate, and that’s why I’m giving these classes,” Wenzel stated.
Last week, in downtown Dortmund, he offered his third installment of “How to fall in love in Germany,” taking 11 young men through the paces. The students conceded they had a lot to learn.
Omar Mohammed, a shy, 24-year-old goldsmith from Syria with spiky black hair and almond-shaped eyes, said he’s attracted to German women, with their Nordic looks and punctuated accents. But they remain a mystery to him, and he has no idea how to approach them.
“It’s hard to meet a girl when you don’t speak the language well and can’t really talk to them,” he said. “There are a lot of differences, not only the culture and religion — we just don’t have this total freedom at home.”
Still, he said, “I’d love to marry a German woman and live with her. She could help me with the language, and she knows the place and the laws much better than I do.”
Some German women were receptive to the idea. Jasmin Olbrich, having a quick lunch of French fries at a food truck outside the educational center, said she liked the Middle Eastern looks and complained that German men “drink too much beer, watch way too much soccer and are just so white!”
“We are really benefiting from the class,” Kadib al Ban said. “The teacher is telling us how German women think, how to talk to them … and understand their traditions.”
Wenzel usually charges 1,400 euros ($1,500) for a private one-day class, or 4,000 euros for a group. The tall blond is an authority in Germany when it comes to the art of seduction, giving flirting advice on TV and radio. He says a half-million Germans follow his “flirt university” blog on how to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. For the migrants, Wenzel is volunteering his time in occasional classes across the country.
“A lot of the guys are absolute beginners when it comes to flirting, dating and sex,” he said.
The class got off to a rocky start. The migrants, unsure what to expect, sat with their coats on and their arms crossed, eyeing their cheerful coach suspiciously.
Wenzel chatted about pick-up lines, paying compliments and original ideas for first dates. Impress and entertain the girls, Wenzel advised. Invite them to the theater, rock climbing, a concert, or take them on a trip to London or Amsterdam. That last piece of advice would probably work better for Wenzel’s regular clientele of rich Germans; asylum seekers aren’t allowed to leave the city they’re registered in, and don’t have the money to travel in any case.
Then he moved on to sex.
“Men and women have sex all the time — on the first, second or third date, that’s normal.” Wenzel said. “It’s not a big deal in Germany.”
The men in the room giggled, but snapped to attention.
When Wenzel delved into the differences between male and female orgasms and how to correctly arouse a woman they fell silent again. Several men turned bright red and others looked down at the floor in embarrassment.
One of the students became indignant, whispering in Arabic to the man next to him: “But having sex before marriage is a sin; it’s haram!”
Might I add a suggestion for this man? If you don’t want to fool around before you’re married stick to someone who has the same religion as you, preferably a woman who is okay with having no freedom and getting beaten. Good luck with that.
The teacher then asked how to impress a German woman. One student suggested getting ripped at the gym. Wenzel countered that most women don’t go for the body-builder type, rather a personality type. Another ignorantly suggested picking up a date in a Ferrari, to which Wenzel replied that would attract women interested only in money.
When class let out, most of the men said they’d learned a lot and were eager to put their new skills to use.
Then the hugest idiot of them all, Kadib al Ban, spoke up in his crackly voice:
“I’d happily have a German girlfriend,” he confirmed. “But when I get married, I want to have a girl from my country who shares my culture and my traditions.”
These men are pigs, no amount of “flirting” classes will help them with what should come naturally and as common sense. Unless some women are even dumber than I suspected they will see right through these animals who only see them as a piece of meat and not a real human. This class should be called “How to trick a German girl into bed”.
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