After I became more comfortable on the streets I began hanging out in areas where there were a lot of people. I was lonely, but could not interact much with anyone except to say thanks for the food or the five spot.
I had lost my trust in people after being molested as a kid. I had built all sorts of defense mechanisms including charm, and a wicked tongue over the years, that made me feel in control of others, so that could not hurt me. But on the streets my deep fear of others came into fruition, and so I isolated in plane sight.
But our need for human contact is so rooted in who we are that it is impossible to ignore or bury forever. So, although I could not talk to others beyond superficial conversations, I could hang out next to a busy mall and watch them go by.
I have a huge heart for those who have committed suicide. Imagine being so afraid to expose your pain to another human that you would risk killing yourself before doing so. I suppose many of have contemplated that choice over time.
I have been off the streets for a while now and am craving a closer connection to people, but I feel awkward in my approach to friendship as my defense mechanisms like charm and anger are dying and a more spiritual me is emerging.
I am still a little afraid of being hurt I guess because I had the thought the other day that I was struggling with intimacy. I am a prideful person, so I fought myself a little over whether it was true or not. It surely must be true for many people. I told my family recently that I did not feel like I knew them really well, and that we never talked to each other about anything personal. My brother, maybe joking or maybe confirming my point said, “That’s the way we like it.”
We all have wounds many of them that made us deeply ashamed of ourselves. These type of events can make the world seem like an unsafe place for us emotionally. How many times have you expressed a fear, a sorrow, or an anger only to have it minimized, dismissed, go unheard, or screamed at? You begin to think you may be crazy simply for having them. This is not a judgment, I have been very uncaring myself. If you don’t like yourself how can you want another person to see you?
So we bury are emotions and talk about the weather or gossip about the neighbor. We build strong barriers around letting the world see our inner nature or any emotion whatsoever. It leaves people lonely, depressed, prone to illness and addiction, and unkind to those around us, maybe especially family members.
I have had my dog Totes for a couple of years now and he is thawing my heart, almost forcing me to love him. He is an older guy who does not see or hear to well and is honest in his vulnerability. He simply needs me to care for him. How many of us can admit we need to be cared for? He also cares for me as well in that he expresses his love through tail wags grunts and contented snores.
Feeling love I find myself opening to people more. Letting them see me sad, or fearful without shaming myself no matter how they react. Building trusting relations in this way is new to me, but I must say very rewarding. I don’t have to beat myself up for my human frailties.
Also, I was saying the 23 Psalm tonight and I felt a deep connection to God for a moment and it may have been a true intimacy, the feeling was joyful and gave me more courage to be open with others. If I have God’s love what do I care how others react to who I am? So a new Hobo Metaphysic is in order I should guess. Get close to God and others will get close to you.
Hobo John here, I love you with everything that I have is my heart song and exactly how I feel about you. Peace
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