The gospels and Book of James are often where I find myself when I open The Bible. Christ’s teachings are one way of unlocking the “implanted word” as James calls the kindness in our hearts. I do, occasionally, dip into the Old Testament and was recently reading Genesis.
Now those old Jewish stories are laden with metaphor and I do not pretend to understand it all. However, one thing Adam said to God after eating fruit from the forbidden tree struck me as having significance in my life. “I was afraid because I was naked and hid myself.”
When I first found myself homeless my biggest concern was not food, shelter, or companionship; my biggest concern was whether God could still love me. Me falling so far in the eyes of my fellow humans as to live on the streets, well who could love somebody like that. Looking back it was a silly notion. Christ speaks frequently about not allowing the pursuit of status and wealth to interfere with your pursuit of him.
During that time in my life I had plenty of shame and guilt stored up inside me. So, not only was I afraid God no longer loved me, but I was also trying to hide a lot of things about myself from God. Now hiding from an omnipresent God is impossible, but our ego based minds think they rule the universe and we can convince ourselves of anything we want to convince ourselves of.
I worked through a lot of that shame and self-hate during my seven year adventure as a hobo. One time, a few years back, while sleeping in my van on the Oregon coast I guess I thought I was doing all right because I had a little vision of myself allowing God to see me naked, so to speak. In the dream I turned around and looked straight up at God and got sucked up into his loving embrace. When I woke up I felt full of light and love and went straight away to play on the beach.
In my mind my greatest sin was allowing myself to be molested, which was the also the wound that led me not to trust another living soul and put me on the streets with a nasty case of PTSD. But I also had, and still have, some very unkind thoughts circulating in my mind. I became fairly enmeshed with my mom as a kid after my parents divorce and later in life harbored thoughts of wanting her to die just so she would get off my back. I have also had fantasies about choking out an old boss of mine, along with a whole lot of other thoughts that I was afraid would keep me out of heaven forever. There are too many to list.
The thing is God knew all these things about me even before I could admit them myself. But once I stopped hiding the darker aspects of my mind from God, I found him more than willing to forgive me and fill those aspects with light. The hiding may be the thing that disturbed God the most about Adam and Eve and disturbs him the most about me and you.
Coming into this world our hearts are taught to fear so many things including God, sin, and death. But as Apostle John said, “Perfect love casts out all fear.” That perfect love is available to us all as sons and daughters of the most high.
I wrote a couple of Hobo Metaphysics to help you understand what I am talking about. Allow the heart, taught to fear, to love again, is the first. Allow God a very close look at your heart, I am positive he won’t find anything he can’t forgive and a whole bunch of things he likes, is the second.
Hobo John here, I Love you with everything that I have. That is my heart song and the truth of things. So get naked, expose yourself to God and live the joy filled life you were born to live.
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