Clueless About Cooking Thanksgiving Turkey? Have No Fear, Your Government is Here!

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By now you’d think the government would start running low on new ways to flush our tax dollars down the toilet, but apparently they have an incredibly talented and creative bunch of people who work on that task around the clock.

Take the Department of Agriculture’s new webpage and hotline that’s set up to help give folks new ideas to spice up their Thanksgiving turkey and make their meal one for the ages. No, I’m not making this up. Oh, how I wish I were.

According to TheBlaze, the USDA webpage offers precious gems of wisdom such as keeping your bird in the fridge until you’re ready to cook it, and placing your turkey in a pan while it cooks to catch the juices and prevent leakage.

Wow! I never knew you needed to put the turkey in a pan before you cook it! What would I ever do without this extraordinarily bloated bureaucratic government feeding me constant nuggets of common sense in order to ensure my survival?

For those who are too dumb to punch their way out of a wet paper bag, the website also tells you how long to cook your turkey and what to do if things go bad.

I know what you must be thinking. The USDA website sounds stupendous, but what about folks who can’t read and have no clue how to cook their turkey?

Ah, I see you’ve forgotten about the hotline you can call, which is available from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. eastern time every day. You can receive step-by-step instructions by a government employee who is sitting on their rear, enjoying the good life, all paid for by your tax dollars. You might want to keep them on the line for awhile. You know, so you can at least get your money’s worth for this useless service.

We live in the age of the Internet, yet folks still need the government to hold their hand through the process of cooking a turkey? Please say it isn’t so!

The thought that we have become so dependent on government to do things for us that we need a hotline and website in order to cook our Thanksgiving turkeys is simply terrifying. It’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

This is a total waste of money, and it’s the kind of spending that clearly illustrates we have infants with blank checks managing our tax dollars. The sad part is there are thousands of Americans who will actually call this hotline for help.

If you have no clue how to cook a turkey, do what any red-blooded American would do and Google it!

About Author

Michael Cantrell

Michael Cantrell is a conservative journalist/blogger with over 8 years of professional writing experience writing for some of the largest publications on the Internet. He has participated in several campaigns to repeal Obamacare, worked with Tea Party candidates running for Congress, and more. Michael is a staunch constitutionalist and lover of American history.

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