Elizabeth Warren’s 11 Tenets of Progressivism — Annotated

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There’s a lot of buzz around a possible stealth presidential run by Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth “Sitting Bull” Warren. According to people who take her seriously, her speechifying is a lot more stimulating than Hillary Clinton’s, and it’s been compared to the electrifying speaking style of Barack Obama, which frankly I find to be comparable to a fistful of Ambien.

Nonetheless, just the other day, Warren was doing the stump circuit at Netroots Nation, a convention for liberal bloggers and activists. During her speech, Warren outlined the 11 tenets of Progressivism.

Here they are, with some clarifications:

  • “We believe that Wall Street needs stronger rules and tougher enforcement, and we’re willing to fight for it.” Translation: Make a donation and we’ll harass your competitors instead.
  • “We believe in science, and that means that we have a responsibility to protect this Earth.” Translation: We don’t understand the first thing about science, but we believe in it, like we would probably pray to it if we prayed. Like, really, that level of believing.But according to Al Gore, we can make a ton of money off these carbon exchanges, so you people shut up and pay your environmental fines.
  • “We believe that the Internet shouldn’t be rigged to benefit big corporations, and that means real net neutrality.” Translation: The Internet should be controlled by the government, not the free market. Although we call it “neutrality,” we really are hoping to rig the system even more than we do now. Think of it as neutrality for the right people.
  • “We believe that no one should work full-time and still live in poverty, and that means raising the minimum wage.” Translation: Eventually, everyone will work for the minimum wage and like it, capitalist pig-dog.
  • “We believe that fast-food workers deserve a livable wage, and that means that when they take to the picket line, we are proud to fight alongside them.” Translation: And we will bring our port-a-grills so they can cook us all burgers while we’re marching because they’ll have nothing better to do. After all, it’s not like they’ll have jobs to go back to when we raise the minimum wage.
  • “We believe that students are entitled to get an education without being crushed by debt.” Translation: Somehow, there are still people who escape the first 12 years of taxpayer-funded education with the ability to think for themselves, so we want them to get a good brainwashing in college. For those whose K-12 lobotimization has taken, we still want them to have a shiny but worthless college degree to be proud of when they go to work for minimum wage.
  • “We believe that after a lifetime of work, people are entitled to retire with dignity, and that means protecting Social Security, Medicare, and pensions.” Translation: We want to raise taxes to pay for all the government checks, since we’ve already spent all the money you saps thought you were putting away for your retirement.
  • “We believe—I can’t believe I have to say this in 2014—we believe in equal pay for equal work.” Translation: To hell with experience, training or skills. See above comments about minimum wage.
  • “We believe that equal means equal, and that’s true in marriage, it’s true in the workplace, it’s true in all of America.” Translation: Guys who diddle other guys deserve tax breaks and government handouts. And your religious scruples otherwise are going to be a felony very soon.
  • “We believe that immigration has made this country strong and vibrant, and that means reform.” Translation: Where else are we going to get all those minimum wage workers to pay taxes and support the college graduates who are on welfare?
  • “And we believe that corporations are not people, that women have a right to their bodies. We will overturn Hobby Lobby and we will fight for it. We will fight for it!” Translation: If you dare to start a business, Christian capitalist pig-dog, you must give up your religious freedoms. And if you hire a woman, you are responsible for paying for her birth control and abortions, just like a pimp — except, you know, without any of the fringe benefits, because that’s sexual harassment.

So there’s the Regressive agenda for 2014, a bundle of tired socialist arguments and phony “war on women” outrage. If the Republicans can’t beat that this time around, they just aren’t trying.

About Author

Tad Cronn is a member of an endangered species, the California conservative. Once abundant, California conservatives have seen their habitat increasingly overrun and heavily regulated by Los Angeles liberals and other non-native rodent species. This makes surviving conservatives such as Tad very grumpy and prone to sarcasm. Feed him at your own risk.

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