It’s Been One Long ‘Boss Battle’ With Obama

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I finally got a chance to sit down with my son and spend some quality time playing video games.

There were two results: One, I decided that next time “quality time” would be better spent outdoors, where I would be less likely to be beaten to a digital pulp. And two, I was reminded why President Obama is the most annoying person ever to occupy the Oval Office.

Obama’s entire Administration has been run like an ongoing video game. Not a good one, either, like World of Warcraft. More like Mario Karts or Sonic the Hedgehog.

In addition to the obvious refugees from Toon Town that Obama has put in charge of key agencies, the whole Administration runs like a cartoon taxi cab with wobbly wheels in a frantic race to reach the magic mushroom or some damn thing. (The fact that most of the Administration’s cartoon characters, including Obama himself, act like they’ve been taking magic mushrooms doesn’t help the impression.)

On any given day, the Administration can be driving in one direction, responding to the investigation into Benghazi, let’s say, then all of a sudden it veers wildly toward global warming, does a double somersault onto amnesty for three gold coins (or thirty pieces of silver for selling out the country, if you like), then finds the secret key that lets it release five crazy Taliban leaders and rescue the Traitor Princess.

Like all video games, there’s a powerful key figure at the center of all the mayhem, and that’s Obama.

Which means, in order to restore liberty to the land and win the game, you have to engage Obama in the dreaded “boss battle,” which is exactly what conservatives have been doing for years.

In case you’re old enough to not know what a boss battle is, it’s the scene (or multiple scenes) in a video game where you’ve withstood legions of flunkies and now face the overpowered boss with the big, balloon-like head.

Invariably, the boss is nearly invulnerable unless you’re able to hit the soft spot, which is well-hidden and protected. Sometimes there might be spots that seem vulnerable, like Obama’s phony birth certificate, but they’re only diversions.

The boss also has special powers, like being able to summon minions such as Nancy Pelosi, who can breath a cone of discombobulating rhetorical fire: “We call it Astroturf”; “I believe in natural gas as a clean, cheap alternative to fossil fuels”; “Unemployment benefits are creating jobs faster than practically any other program”; “We have to pass it so you can find out what’s in it.” A couple of blasts and your head will whither and fall off your shoulders, condemning you to join the ranks of Democrats.

One of Obama’s most excruciatingly annoying abilities, however, is his seemingly unlimited supply of magical “shields.” You’ve seen them in action, you just may not have thought of them this way.

Happy to take credit until Bowe Bergdahl turns out to be a traitor, then it's all Chuck Hagel's doing.

Happy to take credit until Bowe Bergdahl turns out to be a deserter, then it’s all Chuck Hagel’s doing.

Four Americans killed in Benghazi? Shield — Anti-Islam YouTube video. The danger was known in advance? Shield — I just work here; it was State Department’s call. Benghazi mission was cover for smuggling arms and al-Qaida fighters to Turkey? Shield — Assad just used poison gas. Summon minion Hillary Clinton, attack with Scream of Ear Piercing: “What does it matter?”

Released five Taliban without telling Congress? Shield — Narrow window of opportunity. “POW” turns out to be deserter? Shield — It was Chuck Hagel’s call.

“Lost track” of guns put in the hands of drug cartel criminals by Department of Justice? Shield — Bush did it, too. Border Patrol and Homeland Security agents killed by “Fast and Furious” guns? Shield — Executive privilege, national security. Summon minions, thousands of unescorted juveniles from South of the Border, blame it on GOP not passing amnesty.

You see how it goes. There seems to be no end to Obama’s ability to deflect legitimate attacks. And like a video game boss, probably the only way to defeat him is to go after his brain, which means you’d actually have to be standing behind Obama.

If only Obama’s Administration really was just a bad video game. At least then we’d have the option of just unplugging it.

About Author

Tad Cronn is a member of an endangered species, the California conservative. Once abundant, California conservatives have seen their habitat increasingly overrun and heavily regulated by Los Angeles liberals and other non-native rodent species. This makes surviving conservatives such as Tad very grumpy and prone to sarcasm. Feed him at your own risk.

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