CNN’s Piers Morgan to be replaced by organ grinder chimpanzee

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The opinion news world became a less toxic place with the announcement that Piers Morgan was being fired from CNN. When one is not successful enough to keep a job at the least popular news network, it is time to be treated like a horse heading toward the glue factory.

CNN assured viewers that despite canceling Piers Morgan, his show will be replaced with an equally boring, biased program. CNN’s commitment to being a low rated network will not change.

As of this moment, chimpanzees rendered unemployed due to the downturn in the organ grinder business will be applying to replace Morgan. The most talented of the simians will immediately be disqualified. The new host, whether man or ape, must possess the ability to be preachy, smug, uninformed and wrong simultaneously. They must also constantly criticize the United States and attack the US Constitution, especially the second Amendment.

Failed NBC Executive Jeff Zucker is currently accepting resumes from the least among us. Those excelling in delivering straight hard news without liberally slanted opinions need not apply.

Morgan, a D-List celebrity until rescued from relative anonymity by Donald Trump, is expected to return back to obscurity. His publicist has not commented on rumors that Morgan will bring everything full circle by auditioning to be an organ grinder monkey himself. His dancing skills are unknown at this time.

In an attempt to resuscitate himself among liberals and return to television, Morgan’s options include turning to alcohol and drugs before beginning a heroic public rehab stint, or declaring himself gay and demanding to marry any man except Alec Baldwin.

 

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