With his 2014 State of the Useless speech losing its shelf life of one hour, President Obama now only has four months left to govern. After that will come Summer vacation, the 2014 elections, and the battle for the White House in 2016. In a desperate attempt to belatedly stave off his own irrelevance, Obama will be announcing a powerful new energy source that could lead to thousands of new high-paying private-sector jobs.
No, not the Keystone Pipeline. The other energy source.
After consulting with his general practitioner and a proctologist in the Obamacare network, Obama announced in a Rose Garden press conference that his rectal area contains one of the largest findings of new energy. Apparently he is so full of it that there is enough to fertilize every farm in America.
In 2009, Obama reportedly told an aide, “I believe my own (b.s.).” We knew he worshiped it as well, applying “Eau D’Obama Anus” cologne before going on dates with his wife Michele. Confirmation of this new energy find was delayed for several years due to a blockage. Last week surgeons removed Obama’s head from his hide, allowing for a window of daylight to examine further. After a biopsy, Obama then had a cancerous tumor removed from his colon that turned out to be Chris Matthews and the rest of MSNBC.
Once that was removed, the task of extracting this new energy find was to begin. Obama promised that these jobs truly were shovel-ready, and that volunteers were needed to unpile it high and deep. New York Times columnists, Joan Walsh at Salon, and David Brock at Media Matter immediately volunteered. A marijuana joint press release declared that anybody not willing to help process this new energy find was a racist, sexist, bigoted homophobe uncomfortable with new advances in rectal technology.
After attempting to sell the b.s. on Ebay and repeated State of the Union speeches, Obama could not even find a Chinese buyer. Obama then decided to just give it to the American people for free, since he is already paid $400k annually to spread it.
Obama announced that his supply of it was endless, and that he was the Saudi Arabia of b.s. Angry Saudis then threatened to retaliate by sending 19 hijackers to fly planes into towers. Obama warned the Saudis that such an action would cross a red line, and that he would wave his finger and mouth platitudes before returning to his daily lack of responsibilities.
The president’s proctologist said Obama was resting comfortably because that is all he does anyway.
Aging hippie environmentalists praised the findings and joined Millennials in a marijuana circle where they chanted “yes, we can” and “Obama is the stuff” before trying to smoke some of the samples before passing out.
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