Joe for America

The 2013 Darwin Awards Are Out!

Print Friendly and PDF

The Darwins Are Out!

Screen Shot 2013-12-23 at 12.40.55 PM

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here Is The Glorious Winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And Now, The Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

Read the rest at  My Underwood Typewriter

Print Friendly and PDF
 

Posting Policy

We have no tolerance for comments containing violence, racism, vulgarity, profanity, all caps, or discourteous behavior. Thank you for partnering with us to maintain a courteous and useful public environment where we can engage in reasonable discourse. Read more.
  • Harry Flanagan

    Was Obama nominated?

  • ThatGuy

    Funny stories, but are they true? Maybe include some links. (?)

  • inertial.deluge

    Ah the irony. Posting up about Darwin awards on a conservative blog. Not even knowing what they are, and posting old, out of date stuff. Rich. Just rich. Ha.

  • Shannon Hoover

    This is from 2005, and is also not actually correct – you have to die to get nominated for the darwins: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin05.asp

  • Benjamin Wyatt

    I’m not sure, the author of this article knows what a Darwin award is.

    • inertial.deluge

      ironic.

  • Jim Bob

    There are only 2 “real” Darwin nominees on the Darwin Awards website for 2013.

    1.)

    (5 Feb 2013, São Paulo, Brazil) Mechanic Sérgio A. Rosa, 49, was welding a
    gas tanker that, curiously, exploded, sending his remains flying 400 meters
    through the air.

    Comments: “A flammable materials tanker is like a gun.

    Never consider it empty, or you’ll pay the price.”

    “Did his life flash before his eyes?”

    2.)

    Investigative journalism reaches a new “low” when a reporter freezes to
    death while getting an inside look at the lives of those who sleep rough…

    (31 March 2013, Newcastle, England) The UK homeless population’s numbers
    are difficult to gauge; the website Crisis.co.uk sets a low estimate at
    2,300 homeless people per night.

    Intending to advance his career, investigative journalist Lee Halpin, 26,
    decided to acquire background in the problem by pretending to be
    homeless. He borrowed a sleeping bag and, waving aside the concerns of
    friends and family, he set off into the streets alone. “I will sleep rough,
    scrounge for my food, interact with as many homeless people as possible,
    and immerse myself in that lifestyle as deeply as I can,” said the
    journalist–three days before freezing to death in a boarded up hostel.

    Hypothermia is suspected and autopsy results are pending; meanwhile, two
    homeless men have been arrested on possibly-related drug charges.

  • Jim Bob

    #1 is the only one who would qualify for a Darwin award. This is the second place I have seen this fake Darwin awards list given out. You see, in order to receive a Darwin award; you have to remove yourself from the gene pool. Only #1 did that. This is actually a fake list of Darwin award winners from 2005. PEOPLE! Just because you read it on the Internet does not make it true!

    Come on Joe! I would expect better from you!

  • Chip Perretta

    And #3 is bad…why????

  • zenb!tch

    These are all several years old. And not darwin. But funny

  • Cari SixFt Deep

    Not even the real darwin awards seeing as #7 is pretty outdated!

  • Max Blood

    number 1 is bs

    • Jim Bob

      Its true. Its just eight years old.

      • Max Blood

        where u there? i looked into they said it was bs and no record of it

  • BAHarrisburg

    sad how these match the 2005 ones on snopes:

    http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin05.asp

    • George Blair

      Snopes is not a reliable source either.

      • Reno Berkeley

        Yes, it is.

        • Dave Henry

          No it’s not

          • Taz Talks

            I think George Blair and Dave Henry have all of the answers. Unfortunately, it’s all of the wrong answers. Start with snopes (but maintain a skeptic eye) and go from there. You can do FAR worse than snopes, and George and Dave would be two of those.

          • Dave Henry

            Taz, I snoped you and they said you’re wrong.

          • Taz Talks

            First, obviously you are lying about any results of me from snopes, and second, since you are always wrong, once you called me “wrong,” it is nothing but a clear indication that I am right. I have no problem with that. Nicely done.

          • Dave Henry

            Most libs don’t understand sarcasm. Why would I expect better from you? You bore me, run along…

          • Taz Talks

            Then why do you continue to chirp like a fiddle every time I speak the truth? Oh, yeah, we know the answer to that: you’re dedicated to idiocy of ignominious magnitude. No one is surprised. By the way, I am not a lib, so that cements your ineptitude forever. Nicely done…again. If you reply, we’ll all know you are not bored. You’re just lonely…probably in Mom’s basement.

          • ThatGuy

            Let’s not blame them for their ignorance any more then we blame a monkey for being a monkey. They’re simpletons. They wouldn’t understand what you’re saying if you drew it in stick men using a crayon.

          • Guest

            ThatGuy, you should probably make it clear who you are talking about. If you are referring to my supposed ignorance, you’ll need to do better than that (and bring a lunch).

          • ThatGuy

            I was replying to and agreeing with your comment, so referring to Dave and George.

      • ThatGuy

        Reliability is only as good as the information available. Snopes is probably one of the more reliable sources available on the internet, but nothing is ever 100%. If you had half a brain, you’d know that.

  • Gary

    You missed the guy in Philadelphia who was experimenting with designs for making a pipe bomb and blew himself up. While only wounded by the explosion, the disoriented would be terrorist staggered out onto his balcony, went over the railing and fell four stories to his death.

  • junkerjunk

    After you have heard a number of these over the years, you finally learn that most of this kind of stuff is just urban legend.

  • Gary McCauley

    We are the only species on the planet, that allows our stupid to reproduce.

    • Taz Talks

      Nice comma. We can only hope you have kept yourself out of the gene pool.

      • Gary McCauley

        Thank you, I do try to punctuate correctly. Again, thank you for noticing. But did you mean comment, Sparky?

        • Taz Talks

          No, I meant “comma.” Yes, I was being sarcastic. No, I do not want you to procreate. Please explain what grammar rule encouraged you to use the comma.

          Your sentence appears to assert that we are the only species on the planet. You then reference that assertion as the sole reason our stupid is allowed to reproduce.

          That must explain how you got here.

  • kbrockm

    Here’s yer sign!

  • old_salty_dawg99

    The last story could only have happened in a place like New York thanks to the IGNORANCE that is LIBERALISM destroying OUR schools.

  • merrywriter

    These are old – heard most over the years.

  • JimNEPA2_0

    Not shown in the photo above: the moment the lion realized this guy was using him to practice the shot put.

  • Patti Thornhill

    Bwhahahaaaaa! Number 6 was especially hilarious! Loved the legal question.

  • Michael Alan Cavalier

    I keep hoping number 4 is true…

    • Tuff Guy

      I think the driver showed genius. The passengers should have been nominated!!!!

  • AprilJean

    Oh help! These people are in the gene pool aren’t they?

    • Peter Pesola

      and they vote…

      • floppydog

        Which is pretty much why we have this ridiculous administration in the White House today.

      • pdigaudio

        … Democrat.

      • wilvid

        Two of them don’t…not anymore. Well maybe they did vote for Obama ..There was a lot of dead voted for him.

  • macike

    Uhm this seems quite old. I have read several of those over the last few years. http://www.darwinawards.com/

  • Richard Magnuson

    Here’s one. A guy in Portland in the last couple of days, grabbed a gas can from a pick up and was filling his car when while smoking a cig. the gas caught fire on his sock. He then tried to drive away while the car and him were on fire. The car was in flames. He didn’t get very far and was arrested.

  • KJinWTexas

    Further proof you can’t fix stupid. Have yourself tested, and if you test positive, don’t go into a life of crime. You won’t last.

  • Alex

    Stupid is as stupid does!

  • Shon Vella

    Ummmmm…. To qualify for the Darwin award you must remove yourself from the gene pool – None of the runners up should even have been nominated, with the possible exception of the woman in #3.

    • mike the truth

      Yeah I thought you had to die, there are some runners up though

      • Tyler Bruels

        You don’t have to die, only remove yourself from the gene pool. Usually that means dying, but there are some Darwin Awards given to folks who fell victim to their own genital mutilation.

    • pdigaudio

      Stupid criminals yes. Darwin Award winners no.

    • Christine G

      Yeah, that was pretty stupid of her to take the dude’s space. After living in WI for 4 and a half years, I can say that those parking spaces you dig out are extremely valuable.

    • Rachel Kendrick

      Not even #1?

    • ben

      Killed by soeone else doesn’t qualify.