DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, PREGNANT OR IN JAIL
Written by Rodney Lee Conover earlier today
Contradicting her earlier proclamations that she wanted the death penalty, Jodi Arias now says she doesn’t want to die and that she has resisted suicidal urges for her friends and family’s sake… Except for, um, her boyfriend. Yeah, he’s not an issue right now. Arias was on the “Today” show saying how she thinks she can contribute to society, by teaching inmates Spanish. The word “pendejo” comes to mind. Later in the show, Al Roker predicted hail the size of her whoppers. In the penalty phase of her trial, Arias said if jurors gave her life in prison, she would start a book club. First up: “Fifty Shades of Cu-koo”…
“I have not done anything wrong,” IRS official Lois Lerner said at the big House hearing today. “I have not broken any laws. I have not violated any IRS rules or regulations. And I have not provided false information to this or any other congressional committee.” Then she invoked her Fifth Amendment right to not answer questions or testify regarding the IRS scandal. Then she listed her reasons on an itemized form and requested an extension until October 15th. You have to admit, not only did Obama successfully silence his enemies before the 2012 election, he’s getting his friends to shut up after the election, too.
“Angry Birds,” the popular smartphone game which has morphed into multiple offline products is being made into a feature film, with The Simpsons writer Jon Vitti attached to write the script. The rumor is that the film will be a computer-animated 3D adaptation of the game and be in theaters summer of 2016. All I know is that Alec Baldwin needs to star in it. ‘Cause Alec Baldwin is really, really angry… “How angry is he, Rodney Lee?” He’s so angry; I once saw a group of birds playing “Angry Baldwins.” Blam!
German custom officials say “Mally” the capuchin monkey who belonged to Justin Bieber, will be put in a zoo or shelter should Bieber fail to contact them by the end of the day on Friday. When I heard Justin Bieber was going to lose his monkey at midnight, I thought they were talking about his virginity – but apparently zee Germans took zee monkey from the young pop star when he was in their country and didn’t have zee proper monkey papers.
J. Russell George, the inspector general who uncovered the recent IRS scandal, dated Michelle Obama before she was married to the President. Former Virginia Republican Tom Davis, who worked with George when he was staff director for a House oversight subcommittee said the two briefly went out together. Barack Obama still has no ex-girlfriends as far as anyone knows and you’d think at least one woman would have come forward to say what a great guy he was in high school or college or a summer fling – SOMETHING WITH A FEMALE IN IT!!… Just sayin’… Bath house. Whoops, said the quiet part loud.
Ray Manzerak of “The Doors” has passed away at age 74. Manzerak is survived by drummer John Densmore, guitarist Robby Krieger – but no bass player. You see they … oh forget it, but with Manzerak dead, the highly anticipated “Doors” reunion is halfway there.
A recently discovered 505-million-year-old lobster-like fossil was named “Kooteninchela deppi” by the scientist who found it, because the ancient creature’s claws reminded him of the character from “Edward Scissorhands.” The scientist, David Legg, named it after actor Johnny Depp. I guess one is an old fossil and the other is an ancient lobster…
Rodney Lee Conover is a writer / performer, living in Southern California’s Mohave Desert
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