DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, PREGNANT OR IN JAIL

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lindsay

As a prank on April Fools Day, Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she’s pregnant. The next day she said she was just kidding…

… The next day, Manti Teo tweeted that he was the father…

 

Maya Angelou told Time Magazine she once shot an intruder trying to break into her house…

… “I know why the caged bird sings – some mofo busted a cap in his white ass…”

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President Obama announced a $100 million research initiative to invent and refine new technologies to understand the human brain…

… Half of that to be wasted on Joe Biden alone…

 

Malibu Police issued Clark Gable’s son a DUI after slamming into six parked cars, but frankly, who gives a damn?

 

Here’s a headline that caught my attention Wednesday night: “Conservative Group Goes After Holder For Being Soft On Porn”… You can write your own joke there. But I began actually reading the article and came across this nugget a few paragraphs in: “Holder’s actions keep the porn industry thriving…”

… Holder’s “actions” must be pretty “Fast & Furious”?…

 

Susan Patton fired off what has become a controversial letter last week to the editor of The Daily Princetonian, urging co-eds at Princeton to find themselves a man at college and put a ring on it before they graduate. Her explanation for this sage-like advice to Princeton gals was; “The cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.” Awesome, Sue!susan patton

As an Arizona State alumnus, I applaud Ms. Patton for this long overdue guidance, because in the late 70’s, when she herself was a student – this was probably pretty solid stuff. I’ve never been to Princeton, primarily because they don’t let schmucks like me even visit Ivy League schools, so I myself unfortunately had to pick a mate as dumb as a bag of antlers in order to marry down.

One can only dream what it must be like to wed or even hold close a prized woman from Princeton. Instead, I’m spending my days in remorse for not being smarter or better, so that I may too, be a partner in a blissful cornerstone of happiness. However, if I had to listen to this kind of pretentious and elitist crap-ola on a regular basis, I’d trade it in for a Sun Devil after about a week’s time. LOVE YOU, SMART AND BEAUTIFUL ASU BABES!

Signed, Rodney Lee. But I’m not bitter.

 

FINALLY: Jim Carrey’s fairly predictably apology is now online everywhere. He says he’s sorry…
Translation: I have a new movie coming out.

 

rodney on tap

Follow me onTwitter and get a laugh everyday @rodneyconover

Send hate mail to kowenhoven@gmail.com

 

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About Author

Rodney Lee Conover

Rodney Lee Conover is a writer, producer and Senior Editor at JoeForAmerica.com

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